Wow! WTF was that all about? Let's try to figure it out together as I ramble on about my week (maybe it has really been a month...maybe a year...maybe a lifetime) the theme of which seems to be love and loss.
I opened an email from a friend, one of those "chain" emails. It was simple and short enough to be enticing, promising a phone call the next day at 8:23 that would tell me something I'd been wanting to hear. Well, it wasn't 8:23, it was 9:56, and it was a text to my cell (does that count?) asking me to call to receive "news".
An hour later (conversations with my old friend always last at least that long, even though 30 years had passed since the last) I am forcing myself to look at ...at....I'm not sure. I am blocked, I am blocking myself from seeing something about myself. I only want to feel, but good doesn't describe these feelings. But the adjective eludes me still. I've tried "melancholy", "depressed", "lonely", "broken hearted", "surprised", yet no perfect word can be found.
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| Dark Chemistry |
Why do I feel melancholy? Is it the season, is it the holiday? I know that the holidays are difficult for many, but I've never identified based on personal experience, only empathy. I think about it and, because I am who I am, I try to "do" something about it. So I write. I think. This morning I thought, "I think I'm afraid of feeling unloved." I looked at all the ways I behave around that fear. Do I act in a way that is unloving? Not lately that's for sure; so why do I think I will be unloved... is it because I've lost love?
Am I feeling lost? Loss? Certainly that is part of it. The phone call, a loss of potential love; a loss of a love I once had. A loss of an opportunity to live for love rather than living for "duty". An example of living for both love and duty. Two weeks ago I lost my best friend; no not to death, but to their own insecurity and dishonesty and dysfunction. Why is it so easy to make me the "bad guy"?
Almost exactly a year ago, on December 1, I lost one of my very best friends. I miss John so much. I wish he was here to talk to me, to prod me into seeing my own truth. I pretend he is still here. I pretend he's showing me my truth, even though I do not see him. I am mad at him for not yelling at that "asshole" to tell himself the truth, to call me, to believe in himself, to believe in our friendship, to call, to tune in to a life NOT full of pain and misery, to see he is needed, to hear my heart and be dampened by the tears that wish for his presence and friendship. I lost him a year ago too; letting go is so very difficult, suicide like.
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| Sublime - Kon303918 myspace |
In November I lost my job, which I truly loved. I guess I lost it so that I would be available to take care of a friend who had a stroke 10 days later. It is amazing to me how much I can give, how much I WANT to give, when I love someone. But I wonder, do I give so much because I am afraid of not being good, of not being loved? I don't feel I am looking for any kind of reward; but am I really looking? Maybe I'm not looking for a reward; maybe I'm looking for confirmation that I am a good girl and I AM worthy, lovable, and whole? Am I "doing" because I'm not convinced I am good, or am I "doing" because I AM good?
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| Madison Ave Journal |
In September I lost another friend, not to death, but to her own dysfunction and need. But that loss gave me life. For 30 years I let that friendship define me, without knowing it, without even having contact with that friend for the last 25 years. I learned that I was responsible for all the bad feelings I had about myself because I only allowed people around me who supported my own idea of how unworthy I was. She supported that I was ugly, fat, unlovable...I believed it about myself first, and believed that she loved me DESPITE how "bad" I was. After growing and living through my own demons, I was able to reconnect with her, and as a result reconnect with myself. People learn from their experiences in their own time, but eventually they will learn in God's time. God bless those still in "school", especially those that hold themselves back a grade.
Wow, that gives me pause to think about where I'm at in the school of life. I hope I'm in the class of 2000-and-never. As painful as life can be, I appreciate (which IS NOT synonymous with "enjoy") the questions that come up in God's "exams." Dear John, now I know why you so loved Tad Walgamot!
Why is it so easy for me to NOT SEE the truth about "friends"? Why is this a recurring thing in my life? The phone call seems to bring it all back around, 30 years later. What am I to learn? The bell just rang, gotta go; I don't want to be "tardy" for the next class!
Merry Christmas dear friends. May you find love, peace, and joy in every lesson, in every moment, and in every day.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!