Hire This Bitch Advocate!

It is so hard to care and be strong for someone at the same time. As my brother’s advocate I’m a ferocious, tenacious, determined lioness. When his mental and physical health are out of synch I cannot afford to take the time to “feel.” I have to go into overdrive in a proverbial boat with only one paddle. My brother holds the other oar, which is not accessible when he’s in trouble.

It is so important to have both oars in place before you hit the rapids; namely, power of attorney and/or signed consent forms. When my brother is well he insists that he can take care of his own health care; he refuses to sign the necessary forms that allow me to navigate the system when he is not well. While not impossible to row with only one oar, it makes success more difficult and less likely.

For the last three weeks I have been riding the rapids with only one oar. My brother’s health was fairly stable; diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, and mental illness…the waters were calm. Suddenly my brother was having seizures which were incredibly frightening not just for us but for the other tenants in his group home. What had changed?

 My brother told me that week he saw his psych doctor; they took him off Zoloft and put him on Prozac. That was the only change. The emergency medical teams gave him glucose, but he refused to go to the hospital; his blood sugar was around 45.  It had happened the night before but no one knew it; he was alone in his room and was embarrassed, so he didn’t tell anyone. The next day his blood sugars were low again and he walked into the emergency room. They gave him glucose and a sandwich and sent him home, knowing that the EMTs had treated him the day before. The following day he had another seizure and 911 was called; this time he went to the hospital.

As soon as I got a call from one of the group home employees, I called the hospital. My brother had told them not to talk to me about his medical condition. I told them that my brother’s directive did not include prohibiting their listening; I gave them an earful. I ran down the history of the past week along with his medication list, and the phone number of the In Home Supportive Services worker who took care of his meds. I also advised them that my brother should not be released until he was stable without medical intervention (IV glucose) for a long enough period of time. I gave them the names of his primary physician and his psych doctor. I told them that the only change was the Prozac, that I felt there was an interaction causing his blood sugar to crash, and that he had never had the problem when he was on Zoloft.  They listened.

After my brother’s release he was still having low blood sugars. They did not put him back on Zoloft and he was becoming increasingly paranoid and depressed and anxious. He was afraid he was going to die. He was not sleeping. He was disturbing the other residents at 3:00 a.m. because his blood sugar was low. Yet he was making excellent choices for diet. I called his primary physician; they listened. I called his psych nurse; she listened. Then I got a call from the house manager; he was at risk of losing his housing. Then I called the psych nurse again; she listened so well, that she spoke: “You just said the magic words. If he is at risk of losing his housing, we have the ability to intervene.”

Suddenly I had a voice; Donna from a special program at Behavioral Health called everyone to the table and they got together. I got a call from the physician’s nurse: “Your brother said I could talk to you about his meds.” They took him off one of his diabetes meds; his blood sugars are no longer low. They were talking about putting him back on Zoloft and would decide in a week.

That week was loooooooong. My poor brother, going through withdrawals from the antidepressant and worried he was going to die one day and fine the next, was labeled a psychotic and threatened with hospitalization. I intervened and brought forward his history, the full story about what was going on, and the demand that hospitalization was not necessary if he was self-aware and being supported. They listened.  

Today, it all came together; the rapids are calmed…a booster shot of Prolaxin, a prescription for Zoloft, and an observant nurse who will call the physician about the huge amounts of water my brother is drinking which only reduces body salts (increasing pressure on the brain and the thought process.)

Tuolumne County’s hospital was closed quite some years ago but they kept the Behavioral Health Hospital in tact for as long as the budget would allow. Five years ago, the budget ran out, the mental health hospital closed, and all they have is three beds that can only be occupied for 24 hours, and an awesome staff.  Without their listening and understanding, without their appreciation for advocates like me, where would I be?! I’d be up a creek without a single paddle. I shudder to think about what that would mean for my brother.

Now, and only now, can I “feel” as a sister. Now I can cry tears of fear, frustration, anger, hopelessness, and gratitude. I often feel that I am a “bitch” when I am an advocate; it makes me feel guilty and rude but I will be a bitch if that is what my brother, or any other client, needs me to be. Until the water calms, my brother and clients, and their families deserve peace of mind that their loved ones are being properly and accurately cared for.

Of Two Minds

Of Two Minds

When I was a little girl I had a love hate relationship with Sunday. All the best musicals were on T.V. all day long, but there was no one to play with (they were all gone doing fun things with their family, which made me feel I was lacking.) Now I love Sunday. It is the one day of the week where I do not feel stress about things that I should be doing; I get to do whatever I want to do. I still choose good films to watch, usually ones that make me think or feel passionately and deeply.

 

Today I watched Of Two Minds, which is a visually beautifully constructed documentary about bi-polar disease. Mental illness has found itself a thread in my life in SO many different ways, each one significant and impacting; it always finds me.

Photo: ChicagoNow.com

What I loved about this film is the relatability of the characters, but mostly the relatability of the illness to anyone’s life. I am not saying that the illness does not afflict in reality, or that it is less significant because we all experience some of the symptoms as they are described by those diagnosed with the illness; I know I cannot full identify with living on a daily basis with the disease, however I feel we have all experienced some of the highs and lows and the devastating consequences of those feelings. I would like people to remember that and have more compassion when it comes to thinking about, or being confronted with, mental illness. I also liked how the move looks at both the perspective of the patient and the support persons.

Photo: 24.media on Tumblr

I also finished a necklace yesterday that I wanted to share with you. It was quite a challenge because it is very tightly woven, one bead at a time with needle and thread; the thread kept breaking except for where I used six pound fire line. I recommend only using six pound or heavier strength if you are going to do any tight weaving. It is so much work, I want it to last.

This is a Cellini Spiral technique with a reverse spin at the center. I used dyed coral, and seed beads in sizes 6, 8, and 11, in silver lined crystal, pearled turquoise, coral red, and peridot lined apricot colors. Outside the twist I stranded more dyed coral, natural coral, and brecciated turquoise. You cannot see the extra-large, silver clasp. I will also be making matching earrings.

 

For the rest of my day I think I will make a soufflé or quiche with roasted asparagus and bacon, and another baklava or maybe some turnovers or cookies with tart cherry paste.

Happy Sunday!

How to Get What You Need

Today I realized why I’ve been in such a funk. And by funk, I mean way down deep sad and tired of this life. I have been isolating myself from the world, from real people. 

I’ve been staying home because I cannot afford to go out. I cannot afford the gas, I cannot afford $5 to play pool, and I’m constantly worried about money. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to smile and I just don’t want to subject anyone to that.

Courtesy of LoveScott

Today’s meditation, and yesterday’s visit with my friend Nancy were very enlightening to me. Today’s meditation focuses on a giving heart and emphasizes that you almost never give of your heart without receiving something back; when you are feeling a lack, just give and that feeling will be resolved. I am a giver of my heart, and my heart relies on being around people, giving my energy, sharing, and learning. I need to go back to having faith that what I need will happen for me.

Courtesy of Amber Avines

I’ve been feeling in limbo and disappointed that I’m not getting what I want, and not even sure of what I want. Yesterday I realized that maybe what I want is not what I need. Maybe I don’t need to conform to the expectations of others; maybe I don’t need a traditional job. Maybe what I need is to appreciate myself for someone who can do anything and when I do things I love doing I am always successful. Maybe I need to remember that great reward does not come without great risk.

Courtesy of Design Seeds

Today I made beads, and for the first time in a long time, I loved doing it. I followed my heart and allowed no restrictions. I made a coral black and gray bead, like the dress I mentioned in an earlier post. I made a bead with lots of texture and explored a new shape. I made a bead that was inspired by Design Seeds. And I made a bead totally from my own imagination and that one is going to be soooooooo beautiful! I’m so excited to see them come out of the kiln tomorrow!

Courtesy of WakeupCloud

So, with my new found energy for beads, and self, I’m going to continue with my journey toward social media marketing both in my bead business and in my professional life. I am not sure what shape it will take, but I will follow my instincts and unique inspirations and Just. Do. It!

A Lesson in Anatomy

I have noticed many friends having trouble with their health. I've also been exploring, yet again, the possibilities that losing a job has presented in my life. I think I'm being called as a physician of the Universe; was it Socrates who said "physician heal thyself"? I think I've been steered to ways to do that, heal myself. The evidence speaks to me through the documentaries I've recently watched and the friends I've recently seen in pain. I've been successful with everything except smoking (despite my recent increased distaste for, and discomfort with it)...why is that.

Kidney location and pain

A very young, good friend recently started Chantix to quit smoking. What a fabulous drug! Effective for my friend, a pack a day smoker, in the first week. Too bad she had an allergic reaction that almost killed her. Chantix resulted in a heart attack and severe kidney infection. Ironic that taking the thing that will stop you from killing yourself slowly, can actually kill you quickly. 3 out of 4 people I know who have tried Chantix had an experience that made it not worth taking; experience worth dying slowly for.

Left Brain Stroke

Another person I care about very much, only 7 years older than me, had a stroke yesterday. She's very scared and I'm scared for her, but I know she will be okay. Her right side brain functions were effected; paralysis in the right arm and leg and partial in the motor speech skills. She's very active, and self motivated, and this will serve her well in her difficult and lengthy recovery. I've invited her to stay with me because she should not be alone and her place has too many stairs. Maybe she'll motivate me. I know she'll break records in her recovery. She's not a smoker, no bigger a drinker than I, not overweight, walks every morning, rain or shine. It can happen to anyone; is there a point to trying to be healthy?

Osteoporosis doesn't happen "naturally"

Notice the woman is gray haired? Do you think it only happens when you get old? If you are a woman? Do you think it happens no matter what? If you say "yes" to any of those questions, you are wrong. How does a 24 year old girl have osteoporosis?! Depoprevara for more than one year; that is all it took. She hasn't had children yet; how the HELL is she going to bear children eventually?! Just because a woman can only rely on herself to control her body, and her future, by delaying pregnancy until she's ready, is it worth taking birth control, is it worth being with a man who doesn't even consider this possibility? It tears me up in so many ways that this beautiful young woman must deal with an "old" woman's disease. Boys, grow up, take responsibility for your own sexual commitments, and wear condoms or get a vasectomy (they ARE reversible); better yet, don't have intercourse until you are ready to have a baby. Stop making women carry the weight of the world on our shoulders... it is quite literally breaking our backs.

Can you guess what this is?
Loneliness. But it looks like depression. Notice the posture, especially how the knees are drawn close to the chest. If you google images for "loneliness", the posture is overwhelmingly the same. Loneliness... all of my friends suffer more from that word than anything else. It is more damaging than their kidney infections, osteoporosis, and even more damaging than their strokes. The interesting thing I observe about the "posture" of loneliness is that it guards the chest, the heart, and all the chakras are wrapped up, like an egg. A protective shell on the outside, yet still fragile and crackable; the skin as the albumen, the protein, the builder of muscle; the deepest interior and most vital organ, the muscle we call the heart. The manner in which we protect our heart, is the same manner that gives us loneliness...we block. We block our heart with our knees bent a barrier to our our chest, our heart, and with our heels pulled into our sexual organs, another block, I think to our soul. Yet we expose our skin, a contradiction and invitation at the same time. We invite people to break the skin, but refuse to lower our protective hard bones, heels and knees. We hope that a brave soul will negotiate their way to our heart, with careful and kind manipulation, despite our guarded self protection. Ironic, this same description is applicable to conception. Loneliness is the biggest killer, yet the easiest to cure. Open up!

My loneliness looks like this. Facing the sun, rising or setting, walking toward the strength and longevity of the centuries old oak, in the distance that is only half as far as I've been and half way to where I'm going. A strong point of light, just at the tips of my fingers. Am I catching the light? Am I emitting the light? Both! There are days that I am human, and then days where I'm strong enough to practice being supra human. I feel strangely calm...somewhat melancholy. Namaste my loves, my friends, my childrens' hope.