Day 2 of the 21 day meditation challenge: "The past is over; I live blissfully loving in the present." During my meditation I saw many faces on the backs of my eyelids, all with the same eyes, the eyes of an elephant.
Wow, when I found this picture I saw my father's eyes! I was stunned; I had to look at my dad's picture just to confirm it, and sure enough I was seeing my father's eyes. As you read on, you may understand the significance of that.
Presently, I'm trying to figure out why there is nothing in my present. I feel rather without purpose, as if I am missing something that would bite me on the nose if I could see it. At the same time, perhaps that is what I should appreciate; I'm not supposed to be "doing" anything I've already done. But I'm not ready to be done "doing." I feel stuck in the "feeling" like I "should" be doing something that is expected of me; it is so easy to appease that feeling by applying for jobs. It is much easier to apply for a job, than it is to create something new, to go out on a limb, to consider doing what I want to do, to believe doing what I want to do is all I need to be doing. Self-indulgence is "bad" and it doesn't pay the bills; maybe I should want it to pay the bills and if it did indeed pay the bills, then it wouldn't be "bad".
The beginning of today's meditation was all about living in the past and making a space in our lives, that once open will be filled with love. I thought I knew that already, but I remind myself that I am merely a human being and in order to be better than that (I call it super-human-being) I must practice what I know.
Do we know how much of the past really holds us? Do we
really know all our stories? How did they set the trajectory for our life? Our ability
to love ourselves or others? Does reframing really set us free to make new
choices to improve the future? How do I allow the past to interfere with the
present? Chose the path of joy.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and stumbling onto questions and hits at answers. Trust and abandonment are huge issues for me, much bigger than I really can acknowledge until I can understand why, the event or events that created trust as a pavement for the rest of my life's meanings. Could it be something as simple as my father being in Viet Nam? Could it be something that happened when I was born? I know for sure I felt abandoned when my grandmother was hateful and hurtful and no one would protect me; but did that really do it? Do I really need to understand the incident to reframe the story? Well I thought I had reframed the story, giving a meaning that my protectors did the best they could, that they too were afraid, but that doesn't make the "story" and it's effect on my life, go away; maybe it's not supposed to disappear.
Maybe it is just one in a long line of similar events that result in the same thing; until recently. Recently the issue of abandonment and trust came up again. I responded differently this time. I decided that I was going to have the story end with a meaning about someone else, the "other", and not about me. It has worked pretty good actually. Perhaps that is what I really need to commit to; I need to reframe the meanings related to me by giving them to someone else instead. But then what will I be left with? Who will I be? Ah, there is the real "thing" to either fear or be excited about.
Today I was someone who stepped out of what I "should" do and into what I wanted to do. I attended an online party with Laura Roeder, of The Dash among many other social media and life coaching titles. I'm excited to dedicate much more of my time exploring my business and life in social media. Laura made it easy by offering her new business model, a Social Media Monitoring hub/platform, for ONLY ONE DOLLAR! Here's the link if you are interested in checking it out.
Oh epiphany: the eyes of an elephant, an elephant never forgets the past! Que music, theme from Twilight Zone!
