Conversations about my favorite beads and lampwork bead makers, jewelry artists, indie and documentary films, gardening, food, Isaac Newton, Pinterest, and The Desire Map, all part of my continuing journey to become a better bead artist and super human being.
I've been feeling so stuck in indecision. What do I want to do? How do I want to get it done? What do I really love doing? What do I really need to do? All these questions have one thing deeply in common; they assume that only one choice can be made. Do you get my meaning?
I believe it is important to have faith that what I need will be provided. I believe it is important to have gratitude for what has been provided. But there are things that get in the way of my living life according to those beliefs. I get stuck thinking that all my good blessings are going to go away. I get stuck thinking that if I make the wrong decision, that will be "the end." This is a "scarcity" mind set.
This unhealthy train of thought runs through so many aspects of my life. It runs through the way I make beads; don't use that "special" glass because they don't make it anymore or they won't have it when I need it or I won't be able to afford more if I run out. It runs through the way I look for work; don't apply for this job because if I get it I won't be able to accept the other job I already applied for. I can't think of one instance that this way of thinking has served me positively.
So, I've been working on getting "unstuck". I've made a couple of declarations this week in my attempt to get out of the desert while I'm on stilts. I'm not sure how helpful the declarations will be, but I KNOW that they will not be the last declarations I ever make. And if declarations are the way to get unstuck, and these don't work, then there are others that can be made.
I have faith that I've been given an opportunity in this moment, and I am grateful for it, and I will make a choice to move forward, now, with full confidence in my abilities. I believe in me!
I
desire abundance! I declare that I have enough, and I want more! I have
enough time to do what I want to do. I have enough talent to do what I
want to do. I have enough love to give and receive. I have enough money
to pay the rent on time, and the rest of the bills late. I have enough
sun and water to grow my plants. I have enough bacon to make several
sandwiches. I have chips and a huge jar of pickles to go with said
sandwich. I have enough cd's to create a disc with a fix for that
computer. I have enough drive to do it and enough intelligence and savy
to do it. I want more, and I am vibrating at a frequency that matches
ALL that is in the vortex, waiting for me!!!!
I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?
The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.
This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But
let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words
can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us
to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or
unconsciously looking to the
outside world for what we want.”
What is wrong
with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I
create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want
situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward
to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work;
I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my
production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or
not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe
in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is
the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel
safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other,
risk.
Is looking for
feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing”
and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the
realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to
feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what
does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel
nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about
receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough
about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself
include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the
outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give
to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will
feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!
Would I rather
give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me
feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is
tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel
loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself
for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of
self-deprecation.
The two MOST
important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life
be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list
of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I
notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”,
as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about
feeling confidence?
But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!
"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"
I made new beads today for a custom order, and a couple for fun and to learn a new technique. Click the picture of the beads (below) to be redirected to my NEW WEBSITE, where you will see all the new beads from last week.When you subscribe to my new website you get 15% off your next order of beads!
My garden continues to grow, and soon I will have tomatoes and green beans to eat!
See the zucchini developing!?
My first tomatoe blossom
Green Beans will be ready in 2 inches!
I watched a couple movies this week, and I posted about some of my existential discoveries. Click the links in the pictures below to read all about it!
Isaac is back in school, we've been watching Dr. Who, and I'm back to work, finally, with a great substitute teaching position that will keep me busy through September! (Read about by clicking the pictures)
