Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha

Photo: EvolvingWisdom

I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.



Photo: Feng Shui at about.com

The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

Photo: Glad.is

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.

 

 

When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.

 

Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers



 

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

Photo: http://withanopenheart.org

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.

Photo: cdnpix.com
 

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.

 

I'm Queen of the Bongo, Here me When I Come!

I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?

The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.

This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or unconsciously looking to the outside world for what we want.”

One Love Journey

What is wrong with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work; I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other, risk.

Is looking for feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing” and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!

Would I rather give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of self-deprecation.

The two MOST important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”, as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about feeling confidence?

But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!

"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"