Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha

Photo: EvolvingWisdom

I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.



Photo: Feng Shui at about.com

The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

Photo: Glad.is

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.

 

 

When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.

 

Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers



 

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

Photo: http://withanopenheart.org

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.

Photo: cdnpix.com
 

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.

 

Happy 5th of July!

Isaac and I had a wonderful time at Irish Family Vineyards last night. Fantastic fireworks and lots of wonderful home made dishes, smoked meats, desserts, and wine. The BEST wine! Russ and Joan Irish's vineyard is in Vallecito, and you MUST visit if you come to gold country (Hwy 49). Vallecito is just above Angels Camp, the home of Twain's Celebrated Jumping Frog.

How do I choose the movies I watch? Always with the objective to learn, but topic is chosen by mood. Today I was in the mood for strange.

From The Phillyist

Ressurect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynebee Tiles was a very interesting documentary about these mysterious plaques or tiles placed in open spaces such as roads and crosswalks, most in the United States, all over the world. The tiles' creators, installers, or meanings are a mystery, and over time people have become interested in solving the mystery. In the end, the movie is a connection of thoughts revolving around spirituality, heaven, the movie Space Odyssey 2001, humans as energy, and what happens when we die.


The movie inspires wonder about coincidence, and what it really is or if it really is; if coincidence didn't exist in this story, then what would it be called? Conspiracy? Connection? Fact? Another thought is inspired by this film: Human's want to learn and when they are self motivated, they will pick a mystery through the bone to get at the marrow, without being pushed by anything other than curiosity and a desire to know. In the process of learning, more often than not these students find company with similar pursuit and new or affirming information. A good lesson for teachers.


Is this man, the one responsible for the tiles and the ideas behind them, insane? I suppose the same was asked about Copernicus, DaVinci, Einstein, Newton, Gallileo, and even Jesus of Nazareth. In the end it is about the ideas, not the man named James Morasco/Sevy Verna. In the end, it is a story that makes me smile for several reasons.


Some of the scenes in the film include some beautiful artwork; I was impressed by water color images in mostly black and sepia tones, with very sophisticated and emotionally expressed characters. While I couldn't find the artist, I did find the that Justin Duerr (the protagonist) is an artist and I've chosen to show you my favorite pieces by him.

The 8th day of the Week

The Mamas and the Papas sang about Monday; I sing about Sunday. Sunday is the “why” day.

Why do we have a need to understand our place? Why do I feel so out of place? Why do I seek a purpose as if there actually was one? Why are we humans so emotionally attached to things we cannot see, and do not know, but insist on trying to understand?

How does one know the difference between a gift of seeing and schizophrenia? Why is that line so blurry? Is it because the unknown and things we have no experience with frighten us? Why can’t we just accept what is? Why do I feel  a need to analyze and rationalize?

Native American ways seem like secrets to me. Are their rites and beliefs kept secret on purpose? When I’ve gone to pow wows I want to dance and cry at the same time; I find such beauty in their songs, but to my ears the “words” are just sounds with no sense, rhyme, or reason, as if I’m not permitted to really hear, but my heart wants to know what is being said. 

Dan Fletcher Cartoon box

The Lakota have ritual where they pierce their skin with the strongest bones of the buffalo and tie it to a tree and try to pull themselves from the piercings either in their chest or back. I find this repulsive, and frightful; are these feelings because I’m afraid of pain, physical and psychic? 

There are other tribes in the world who do the same thing (India' Garudam Thookkam) or similar (bungee vine jumpers); I feel equally repulsed and cringe at just the thought. But the purpose of these practice is to get your spirit to leave your body, to “see” beyond, to “talk to God”. I react with a “Duh, of course you are going to pass out and hallucinate, but why do we have to go through pain or torture to get there?” Many sexual practices are for the same purpose.

 

People who identify with “witchcraft” are the most schizophrenic to me; so much is just fantasy, it all looks so “put on”. On  the other hand a discussion of heaven and hell from a witch’s perspective seems to best explain this whole post, this need to question: “There can be hell realms, but I don’t think that they are places that we go to.  They are places that we drive ourselves into through our hunger . Hell realms are very easy to fall into and very difficult to climb out of.” It is that hunger and that presence in and climbing out that seems significant; that seems truly to define insanity.  Is it the question or is it the answer that makes us crazy? If it’s crazy to think and believe some of the ways people do, how is it they find another person at all who completely identifies? Crazy loves company, too? I think there is a big part of this reasoning that has to do with self-judgment. Artists go through this on a regular basis.

Here are some beads that I've made in the last couple weeks. I don't like most of them. I guess that is me being in the realm of hell. Will making more beads allow me to "climb out"? Yet again, it is the witch with words I appreciate: “You can define your life by your willingness to take risks. We are in many ways limited only by our courage.” I suppose she means the lack thereof? What does an unlimited life look like? Perhaps it is never asking "why", never satisfying the hunger to "know", understanding the desire but not succumbing, being aware of the risk that the answer lies there....Epiphany: The bible talks about Satan in the tree of knowledge! And then I fall back into the pit of "why" to the ladder of "how"; how does one live "responsibly" at the same time they live an unlimited life? I have a child who means more to me than an unlimited life; perhaps that is the REAL definition of life. Define your life by your willingness to live for another. Doesn't that sound like "religion"?