|Achievement Junkie Webcast #112|
An hour later (conversations with my old friend always last at least that long, even though 30 years had passed since the last) I am forcing myself to look at ...at....I'm not sure. I am blocked, I am blocking myself from seeing something about myself. I only want to feel, but good doesn't describe these feelings. But the adjective eludes me still. I've tried "melancholy", "depressed", "lonely", "broken hearted", "surprised", yet no perfect word can be found.
Am I feeling lost? Loss? Certainly that is part of it. The phone call, a loss of potential love; a loss of a love I once had. A loss of an opportunity to live for love rather than living for "duty". An example of living for both love and duty. Two weeks ago I lost my best friend; no not to death, but to their own insecurity and dishonesty and dysfunction. Why is it so easy to make me the "bad guy"?
Almost exactly a year ago, on December 1, I lost one of my very best friends. I miss John so much. I wish he was here to talk to me, to prod me into seeing my own truth. I pretend he is still here. I pretend he's showing me my truth, even though I do not see him. I am mad at him for not yelling at that "asshole" to tell himself the truth, to call me, to believe in himself, to believe in our friendship, to call, to tune in to a life NOT full of pain and misery, to see he is needed, to hear my heart and be dampened by the tears that wish for his presence and friendship. I lost him a year ago too; letting go is so very difficult, suicide like.
|Sublime - Kon303918 myspace|
|Madison Ave Journal|
Why is it so easy for me to NOT SEE the truth about "friends"? Why is this a recurring thing in my life? The phone call seems to bring it all back around, 30 years later. What am I to learn? The bell just rang, gotta go; I don't want to be "tardy" for the next class!
Merry Christmas dear friends. May you find love, peace, and joy in every lesson, in every moment, and in every day.