Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Class of 2000-And-Never in the School of Love and Loss

Achievement Junkie Webcast #112
Wow! WTF was that all about? Let's try to figure it out together as I ramble on about my week (maybe it has really been a month...maybe a year...maybe a lifetime) the theme of which seems to be love and loss.

Victoria Taft
I opened an email from a friend, one of those "chain" emails. It was simple and short enough to be enticing, promising a phone call the next day at 8:23 that would tell me something I'd been wanting to hear. Well, it wasn't 8:23, it was 9:56, and it was a text to my cell (does that count?) asking me to call to receive "news".

An hour later (conversations with my old friend always last at least that long, even though 30 years had passed since the last) I am forcing myself to look at'm not sure. I am blocked, I am blocking myself from seeing something about myself. I only want to feel, but good doesn't describe these feelings. But the adjective eludes me still. I've tried "melancholy", "depressed", "lonely", "broken hearted", "surprised", yet no perfect word can be found.

Dark Chemistry
Why do I feel melancholy? Is it the season, is it the holiday? I know that the holidays are difficult for many, but I've never identified based on personal experience, only empathy. I think about it and, because I am who I am, I try to "do" something about it. So I write. I think. This morning I thought, "I think I'm afraid of feeling unloved." I looked at all the ways I behave around that fear. Do I act in a way that is unloving? Not lately that's for sure; so why do I think I will be unloved... is it because I've lost love?

Am I feeling lost? Loss? Certainly that is part of it. The phone call, a loss of potential love; a loss of a love I once had. A loss of an opportunity to live for love rather than living for "duty". An example of living for both love and duty. Two weeks ago I lost my best friend; no not to death, but to their own insecurity and dishonesty and dysfunction. Why is it so easy to make me the "bad guy"?

Almost exactly a year ago, on December 1, I lost one of my very best friends. I miss John so much. I wish he was here to talk to me, to prod me into seeing my own truth. I pretend he is still here. I pretend he's showing me my truth, even though I do not see him. I am mad at him for not yelling at that "asshole"  to tell himself the truth, to call me, to believe in himself, to believe in our friendship, to call, to tune in to a life NOT full of pain and misery, to see he is needed, to hear my heart and be dampened by the tears that wish for his presence and friendship. I lost him a year ago too; letting go is so very difficult, suicide like.


Sublime - Kon303918 myspace
In November I lost my job, which I truly loved. I guess I lost it so that I would be available to take care of a friend who had a stroke 10 days later. It is amazing to me how much I can give, how much I WANT to give, when I love someone. But I wonder, do I give so much because I am afraid of not being good, of not being loved? I don't feel I am looking for any kind of reward; but am I really looking? Maybe I'm not looking for a reward; maybe I'm looking for confirmation that I am a good girl and I AM worthy, lovable, and whole? Am I "doing" because I'm not convinced I am good, or am I "doing" because I AM good?

Madison Ave Journal
In September I lost another friend, not to death, but to her own dysfunction and need. But that loss gave me life. For 30 years I let that friendship define me, without knowing it, without even having contact with that friend for the last 25 years. I learned that I was responsible for all the bad feelings I had about myself because I only allowed people around me who supported my own idea of how unworthy I was. She supported that I was ugly, fat, unlovable...I believed it about myself first, and believed that she loved me DESPITE how "bad" I was. After growing and living through my own demons, I was able to reconnect with her, and as a result reconnect with myself. People learn from their experiences in their own time, but eventually they will learn in God's time. God bless those still in "school", especially those that hold themselves back a grade.

def shepherd
Wow, that gives me pause to think about where I'm at in the school of life. I hope I'm in the class of 2000-and-never. As painful as life can be, I appreciate (which IS NOT synonymous with "enjoy") the questions that come up in God's "exams." Dear John, now I know why you so loved Tad Walgamot!

Why is it so easy for me to NOT SEE the truth about "friends"? Why is this a recurring thing in my life? The phone call seems to bring it all back around, 30 years later. What am I to learn? The bell just rang, gotta go; I don't want to be "tardy" for the next class!

Merry Christmas dear friends. May you find love, peace, and joy in every lesson, in every moment, and in every day.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Whose Reality?

Almost 49 years of life and love. Love? Really?

When I was a little girl, love was The Brady Bunch, The  Partridge Family, and Father Knows Best. When I was a pre-teen love was Shirley Temple, Dorris Day, Dean Martin, Judy Garland, and Elvis on Sunday. When I was a teen-ager love was Judy Blume, Soul Train, and American Band Stand. When I was in High School love was sad and lonely; it was unrequited Bobby Balentine, and requited Bruce Hammer, until..... Until Jennifer Matthews became the first friend in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, and belief. And Bruce became the first love in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, belief and heart.

Tamra Dozier

At almost-49 I look at the patterns of love in my life. Every boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me with someone close to me, except one, who cheated on me with his own selfishness. It has cost me much in my life: a timely education, a potential for career to be fulfilled, a natural child birth.

At almost-49 I look at what I believe about love and realize the price I have refused to pay: I refuse to become jaded and have refused to pay with my belief that love is real. At almost-49 I continue to choose love; I continue to grow.

I still believe in the media and literary love, at almost-49. I still believe that my heart has a mate, somewhere. I believe in love, and love believes in me. My love is waiting for me to believe in me.
Brooke Fraser

At almost-49 I believe I am a good friend, a good citizen, a good mother...I AM good. I'm not "trying" to be, I AM. I look at the patterns of love in my life and I see growth, and I see perseverance, and I wonder what more there is to learn. What is left to learn? Is it to "get real"? Maybe. And maybe reality is not something we discuss, or learn, but something we "know".

What is reality? Is it not trusting? Is it not believing? Is it guarding one's self from pain? Is reality that state in which one lowers expectations to what might be possible when all else seems impossible? It is not in my nature to expect less. I can not expect less loyalty, less honesty, less selfLESSness, of myself or of others. I cannot give up on others, I cannot give up on my self.

I must continue to learn...until I know, without thinking, that I AM love. I wonder how long I get to live when I know that I AM love? I can't yet imagine what other lesson there is to learn after that; they haven't made a Sunday Musical Movie or Sit-Com about it yet.... Or have they!?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A Lesson in Anatomy

I have noticed many friends having trouble with their health. I've also been exploring, yet again, the possibilities that losing a job has presented in my life. I think I'm being called as a physician of the Universe; was it Socrates who said "physician heal thyself"? I think I've been steered to ways to do that, heal myself. The evidence speaks to me through the documentaries I've recently watched and the friends I've recently seen in pain. I've been successful with everything except smoking (despite my recent increased distaste for, and discomfort with it)...why is that.

Kidney location and pain
A very young, good friend recently started Chantix to quit smoking. What a fabulous drug! Effective for my friend, a pack a day smoker, in the first week. Too bad she had an allergic reaction that almost killed her. Chantix resulted in a heart attack and severe kidney infection. Ironic that taking the thing that will stop you from killing yourself slowly, can actually kill you quickly. 3 out of 4 people I know who have tried Chantix had an experience that made it not worth taking; experience worth dying slowly for.

Left Brain Stroke

Another person I care about very much, only 7 years older than me, had a stroke yesterday. She's very scared and I'm scared for her, but I know she will be okay. Her right side brain functions were effected; paralysis in the right arm and leg and partial in the motor speech skills. She's very active, and self motivated, and this will serve her well in her difficult and lengthy recovery. I've invited her to stay with me because she should not be alone and her place has too many stairs. Maybe she'll motivate me. I know she'll break records in her recovery. She's not a smoker, no bigger a drinker than I, not overweight, walks every morning, rain or shine. It can happen to anyone; is there a point to trying to be healthy?

Osteoporosis doesn't happen "naturally"
Notice the woman is gray haired? Do you think it only happens when you get old? If you are a woman? Do you think it happens no matter what? If you say "yes" to any of those questions, you are wrong. How does a 24 year old girl have osteoporosis?! Depoprevara for more than one year; that is all it took. She hasn't had children yet; how the HELL is she going to bear children eventually?! Just because a woman can only rely on herself to control her body, and her future, by delaying pregnancy until she's ready, is it worth taking birth control, is it worth being with a man who doesn't even consider this possibility? It tears me up in so many ways that this beautiful young woman must deal with an "old" woman's disease. Boys, grow up, take responsibility for your own sexual commitments, and wear condoms or get a vasectomy (they ARE reversible); better yet, don't have intercourse until you are ready to have a baby. Stop making women carry the weight of the world on our shoulders... it is quite literally breaking our backs.

Can you guess what this is?
Loneliness. But it looks like depression. Notice the posture, especially how the knees are drawn close to the chest. If you google images for "loneliness", the posture is overwhelmingly the same. Loneliness... all of my friends suffer more from that word than anything else. It is more damaging than their kidney infections, osteoporosis, and even more damaging than their strokes. The interesting thing I observe about the "posture" of loneliness is that it guards the chest, the heart, and all the chakras are wrapped up, like an egg. A protective shell on the outside, yet still fragile and crackable; the skin as the albumen, the protein, the builder of muscle; the deepest interior and most vital organ, the muscle we call the heart. The manner in which we protect our heart, is the same manner that gives us loneliness...we block. We block our heart with our knees bent a barrier to our our chest, our heart, and with our heels pulled into our sexual organs, another block, I think to our soul. Yet we expose our skin, a contradiction and invitation at the same time. We invite people to break the skin, but refuse to lower our protective hard bones, heels and knees. We hope that a brave soul will negotiate their way to our heart, with careful and kind manipulation, despite our guarded self protection. Ironic, this same description is applicable to conception. Loneliness is the biggest killer, yet the easiest to cure. Open up!

My loneliness looks like this. Facing the sun, rising or setting, walking toward the strength and longevity of the centuries old oak, in the distance that is only half as far as I've been and half way to where I'm going. A strong point of light, just at the tips of my fingers. Am I catching the light? Am I emitting the light? Both! There are days that I am human, and then days where I'm strong enough to practice being supra human. I feel strangely calm...somewhat melancholy. Namaste my loves, my friends, my childrens' hope.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The first day of the rest of your...

your what?

life, love, adulthood, childhood, transformation, change, health, singlehood, partnership?

your what?

My...week. Life changes for me constantly; I take it as a sign of growth and readiness for new lessons. After all, what choice to I have? What choices do you have?

I'm seeing a lot of choice making today, as I go through all my neglected email. I thought I would share some with you.

Just.Be.Enough is a website I am recommending without even checking it out...yet! "Imagine feeling taller. Imagine feeling stronger from the inside out. Imagine knowing and BELIEVING that you are strong. It is time to carry the weight of empowerment instead of the weight of our flaws on our shoulders."  Elena Sonnino and her group have sections for "me" "parents" and "kids". I believe in all three, and they've all been topics for me today before I even ran into this!

Lori Anderson, of Lori Anderson Designs, is one of my all-time-favorite bloggers! I love how she shares herself and her life in such an honest way and with incredible integrity. Today she posted on her blog, Pretty Things, about "new endeavors...making changes...soul searching". 
I also came across Lori's earlier blog post about "feeling this way all the time". It is a post about how people expect the facade all the time, and how they may not see what is really inside. It is true that I expect to see Lori through her blog, but Lori, that facade is also you, not an arbitrary creation, and I appreciate ALL of who you are. BTW, my favorite apple is "Pink Lady"! LOL!

Today I am being inspired by all that I've missed and all that I am encouraged to look forward to. Among those inspirations are friends and acquaintances, newsletters and blogs, treasuries and photographs, jewelry and color and art, and all things that remind me of the difference between a choice and decision, and who I have created myself to be: I am whole

I always recommend The Forum (but stop there); my life was transformed by it. I learned that a choice is a decision without considerations ("I chose this because it..." is a decision not a choice); to make a choice, one must go for it without reasoning (dangerous huh?!) I learned that I choose to feel the way I do about everything I feel about; I alone give meaning to my life and the happenings in it. Most of all I learned how to create myself, and I created that I am WHOLE; I am enough. These principles are "super human" and require practice, for eternity; and some days I am me, and others I "practice", but always I am whole.

I used to have this book, but think I passed it on. It is an intriguing book that takes you step by step through exploring (mapping) who you have become. It is a great book for those who like organization, exploration, guidance, and writing/drawing/journaling. I just didn't have the discipline at the several times I tried, but maybe it is time to try again.

Life IS for living, and you can take as many mulligans, as many do-overs as you need. It is not about change (which can imply something needs to be "fixed"), life is about growing, learning, and transforming. You ARE God, you have the power to create, so get out of the stands and onto the court of life. BE omnipotent!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Starting from Seed...

Hi there, it has been a while!! I've been away with a job that I loved, but now I've lost. Rather than looking at something as "lost", I've decided to see what I've gained...
Thank you Terry O'Dell

2 be creative, play with beads, make jewelry, analyze my blog and etsy website, watch important documentaries, be inspired by other art and artists, and grow, GROW, GROW......Hence, the name of this blog entry.

I've already started exploring my newly found time, and already I'm seeing the answer to the "why" that I ask in response to the sudden changes in my life. I think it came to me when I saw Food Inc., King Corn, and The Future of Food. (Click the links to watch, online, now!)
Hungry For Change? official Food Inc Website

I started to go into detail about where I've been, and what got me to where I am today, but I thought it might be easier to illustrate my train of thought.

I started two months before her arrival, to clean house and plant pretty flowers for the deck. We were ready for Grandma Uta!
My mom arrived safely, loved what she saw, and cooked a lot of great food. She hosted a lovely party to catch up with new friends she made on her last visit. I hosted a bunco party and got the worst case of flu ever (lasted more than 8 days!). Mom took a trip to visit friends down south, and I had the house to myself. I caught up on the documentaries I'd saved in my NetFlix cue....

What Is Your Favorite Word To Scream?
I'm eating WHAT?!

Okay, for me it is not about the poor animals; for me it is about my poor body! I can't believe, as educated as I am, that I never thought about "grain fed" as an unnatural way for animals to eat. Cows don't eat corn! Corn kills them as a matter of fact. Chickens don't live in the dark. In order for Americans to afford to eat, we buy cheaper goods. Cheaper goods are made cheaper at the expense of something...always!

But I had a job at the time of this epiphany, so I decided to pay more to eat better. No more corn syrup, no more feed lot beef and chicken. I'm gonna find a friend to split a steer and pig with me, from a local farmer who grass and range feeds his animals. In the mean time I'll pay twice as much for milk just to get it from a dairy cow that is fed properly. I'm going to grow veggies and herbs that I can can and eat year round; but how will I find REAL seed, or plants grown from non genetically engineered seed?!

It all starts with the seedI read all the labels, I asked the butcher where the pig came from (he didn't know), and I will ask where the veggies and fruits come from (did you know that Genetic Engineering is forbidden in Mexico?)

But, now I've lost my job. Woe is me, but not alas nor alac. I'm still going to grow veggies and herbs, and I'm still going to read labels and find resources for REAL food. In the mean time, I recommend you all inform yourself about what we eat now, what we can do about it, and what farmers should do (I say, let Monsanto sue everyone...who says you have to actually pay them? What would they do if farmers stopped farming? I actually think that is a good solution; we should put a fund together to support farmers who farm in wholesome, diversified, non corporate ways).

It is very scary to think our world is going to end, the downfall of our civilization, will be because one corporation stole our ability to grow healthy food. It isn't going to literally hail brimstone and fire; we are all going to starve in the end.

In the other mean time, I will be pumping up the volume on my creativity, making jewelry, loving art and fashion, maybe knitting and sewing, diversifying my medium types, and putting to use what I learned at my job to pump up the volume of my brand through social media monitoring.

Stay tuned for more random ramblings and sharing of visions, artistic, holistic, and lots of other "ic"s!