Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Class of 2000-And-Never in the School of Love and Loss

Achievement Junkie Webcast #112
Wow! WTF was that all about? Let's try to figure it out together as I ramble on about my week (maybe it has really been a month...maybe a year...maybe a lifetime) the theme of which seems to be love and loss.

Victoria Taft
I opened an email from a friend, one of those "chain" emails. It was simple and short enough to be enticing, promising a phone call the next day at 8:23 that would tell me something I'd been wanting to hear. Well, it wasn't 8:23, it was 9:56, and it was a text to my cell (does that count?) asking me to call to receive "news".

An hour later (conversations with my old friend always last at least that long, even though 30 years had passed since the last) I am forcing myself to look at'm not sure. I am blocked, I am blocking myself from seeing something about myself. I only want to feel, but good doesn't describe these feelings. But the adjective eludes me still. I've tried "melancholy", "depressed", "lonely", "broken hearted", "surprised", yet no perfect word can be found.

Dark Chemistry
Why do I feel melancholy? Is it the season, is it the holiday? I know that the holidays are difficult for many, but I've never identified based on personal experience, only empathy. I think about it and, because I am who I am, I try to "do" something about it. So I write. I think. This morning I thought, "I think I'm afraid of feeling unloved." I looked at all the ways I behave around that fear. Do I act in a way that is unloving? Not lately that's for sure; so why do I think I will be unloved... is it because I've lost love?

Am I feeling lost? Loss? Certainly that is part of it. The phone call, a loss of potential love; a loss of a love I once had. A loss of an opportunity to live for love rather than living for "duty". An example of living for both love and duty. Two weeks ago I lost my best friend; no not to death, but to their own insecurity and dishonesty and dysfunction. Why is it so easy to make me the "bad guy"?

Almost exactly a year ago, on December 1, I lost one of my very best friends. I miss John so much. I wish he was here to talk to me, to prod me into seeing my own truth. I pretend he is still here. I pretend he's showing me my truth, even though I do not see him. I am mad at him for not yelling at that "asshole"  to tell himself the truth, to call me, to believe in himself, to believe in our friendship, to call, to tune in to a life NOT full of pain and misery, to see he is needed, to hear my heart and be dampened by the tears that wish for his presence and friendship. I lost him a year ago too; letting go is so very difficult, suicide like.


Sublime - Kon303918 myspace
In November I lost my job, which I truly loved. I guess I lost it so that I would be available to take care of a friend who had a stroke 10 days later. It is amazing to me how much I can give, how much I WANT to give, when I love someone. But I wonder, do I give so much because I am afraid of not being good, of not being loved? I don't feel I am looking for any kind of reward; but am I really looking? Maybe I'm not looking for a reward; maybe I'm looking for confirmation that I am a good girl and I AM worthy, lovable, and whole? Am I "doing" because I'm not convinced I am good, or am I "doing" because I AM good?

Madison Ave Journal
In September I lost another friend, not to death, but to her own dysfunction and need. But that loss gave me life. For 30 years I let that friendship define me, without knowing it, without even having contact with that friend for the last 25 years. I learned that I was responsible for all the bad feelings I had about myself because I only allowed people around me who supported my own idea of how unworthy I was. She supported that I was ugly, fat, unlovable...I believed it about myself first, and believed that she loved me DESPITE how "bad" I was. After growing and living through my own demons, I was able to reconnect with her, and as a result reconnect with myself. People learn from their experiences in their own time, but eventually they will learn in God's time. God bless those still in "school", especially those that hold themselves back a grade.

def shepherd
Wow, that gives me pause to think about where I'm at in the school of life. I hope I'm in the class of 2000-and-never. As painful as life can be, I appreciate (which IS NOT synonymous with "enjoy") the questions that come up in God's "exams." Dear John, now I know why you so loved Tad Walgamot!

Why is it so easy for me to NOT SEE the truth about "friends"? Why is this a recurring thing in my life? The phone call seems to bring it all back around, 30 years later. What am I to learn? The bell just rang, gotta go; I don't want to be "tardy" for the next class!

Merry Christmas dear friends. May you find love, peace, and joy in every lesson, in every moment, and in every day.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Whose Reality?

Almost 49 years of life and love. Love? Really?

When I was a little girl, love was The Brady Bunch, The  Partridge Family, and Father Knows Best. When I was a pre-teen love was Shirley Temple, Dorris Day, Dean Martin, Judy Garland, and Elvis on Sunday. When I was a teen-ager love was Judy Blume, Soul Train, and American Band Stand. When I was in High School love was sad and lonely; it was unrequited Bobby Balentine, and requited Bruce Hammer, until..... Until Jennifer Matthews became the first friend in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, and belief. And Bruce became the first love in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, belief and heart.

Tamra Dozier

At almost-49 I look at the patterns of love in my life. Every boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me with someone close to me, except one, who cheated on me with his own selfishness. It has cost me much in my life: a timely education, a potential for career to be fulfilled, a natural child birth.

At almost-49 I look at what I believe about love and realize the price I have refused to pay: I refuse to become jaded and have refused to pay with my belief that love is real. At almost-49 I continue to choose love; I continue to grow.

I still believe in the media and literary love, at almost-49. I still believe that my heart has a mate, somewhere. I believe in love, and love believes in me. My love is waiting for me to believe in me.
Brooke Fraser

At almost-49 I believe I am a good friend, a good citizen, a good mother...I AM good. I'm not "trying" to be, I AM. I look at the patterns of love in my life and I see growth, and I see perseverance, and I wonder what more there is to learn. What is left to learn? Is it to "get real"? Maybe. And maybe reality is not something we discuss, or learn, but something we "know".

What is reality? Is it not trusting? Is it not believing? Is it guarding one's self from pain? Is reality that state in which one lowers expectations to what might be possible when all else seems impossible? It is not in my nature to expect less. I can not expect less loyalty, less honesty, less selfLESSness, of myself or of others. I cannot give up on others, I cannot give up on my self.

I must continue to learn...until I know, without thinking, that I AM love. I wonder how long I get to live when I know that I AM love? I can't yet imagine what other lesson there is to learn after that; they haven't made a Sunday Musical Movie or Sit-Com about it yet.... Or have they!?