Monday, December 31, 2012

The Horseman Found Her Head

I get SO much when I watch documentary films, when I desire to learn. This morning's film was Murder By Proxy: How America Went Postal.

JWho do you know, that you do not know? Who are the walking dead among you? Who are the people you see, but have never spoken, not even a word, to? Who are the people you have never acknowledged the presence of with even a gesture? These are the walking dead; we must bring them into the light and life that we call society. We must let them know that they are seen. YOU CAN make a difference in the life of another by spending a single second to smile, to lift your head, to lift your hand, to lift your voice, to acknowledge only the sight of anothers’ existence on this planet; you have an infinite supply of this kind of energy, your heart does not have to be in it, however it will surely be infected. You have ENOUGH to give; you will not, CAN NOT, run out of it.

Our society is one that presently runs on a scarcity mentality. The wealthiest of our society don’t want to “go over the fiscal cliff” because it means they will have less, as if there isn’t enough. The employed in society now must have the skills of many to keep their job, because there aren’t enough jobs to go around. The employers in our society must hire fewer employees, and demand more from them, because there isn’t enough money to accomplish all they want to do and stay in business. Students must work at home and forsake their childhood because they must be competitive in order to get an education in order to be successful in the work place of the future. Teachers must forsake  teaching the pleasures of discovery because they are being measured by the quantity of knowledge their students gain, rather than the quality of their teaching. And this competitiveness goes down to the youngest of ages; measurement of the human condition begins at birth with an apgar score.

Strange Fruit by
Darwin’s survival of the fittest is a knowledge that fails our society because we fail to appropriately define what is fit; we are afraid that if everyone is “fit” we will run out of anything, and everything. Yet, many in our society question the natural selection determined by the actions of people we “didn’t see coming.” The so-called mass murderers of our society are people who have been unseen, under-served, over worked, and have a self-perception that they are “nothing”. I truly feel the key to solving the problem of mass shootings lies in that perception.

Callum Mcinerney Riley
When one feels they have nothing left to lose, they are expressing the perception of the ultimate scarcity; they have run out, emptied, their reasons for living. They have been pushed out, stolen from, ignored, and neglected by a society that has taken their most important resource…significance. So they go out in a way that forces society to recognize them. They have immeasurable faith that this recognition will happen; they don’t need to be on this Earth to verify that recognition. Society would like to believe that mass murderers kill themselves out of shame for their actions; perhaps the truth is that these murderers want to shame society for forcing them into a position to take their own place in a significant way. Many would describe this attitude as “entitled.”
"an inflated view of the self"

“Entitlement” is a word brought to the forefront of the 2012 presidential elections. Mitt Romney is described to have said “47%” that feel “entitled” to handouts as the bane of society and the reason for our economic problems; this implies that we don’t have enough to respond to those who are “entitled”. After the election, the word “entitlement” was applied, by the very same people who created it as a negative thing, as a positive word in order to protect the material wealth of those who would be effected by the “fiscal cliff.”

There is one thing we are all entitled to as individuals, and that thing is to breathe. There is one thing we are all entitled to as members of society, and that thing is significance; we all matter.
I want to get back to the point and what we can do about it. The point is that we ignore people because we perceive that we don’t have enough time, money, energy, opportunity, or whatever, to do otherwise; we have a mindset of scarcity. Perhaps, what we don’t understand is that what we need to give is actually a very minuscule amount. Think about what it is or has been in your own life that made you feel significant at any given moment; think about what your life would be like if you had NEVER received any recognition from another person.

I suppose one might say, “I’ve given myself the recognition I need in order to move forward to gain what I want.” I’d like to offer the story of the Christmas Carol; what would have happened if Mr. Scrooge had continued to believe that he never needed anyone and that no one should need him? We are a society; society is nothing without connection between its parts. If we continue to be selfish with our recognition of others, we will no longer be a society. What happens when everyone feels entitled to be so self-ish? The answer is right there in front of you today, in the news.

Perhaps the “Zombie Apocalypse” is already upon us; Zombies want one thing, for themselves, with absolutely no concern for any other…they want to eat. Zombie’s have the ultimate scarcity mentality. And as the individual Zombies bite and spread the disease, we can counter that by individually changing our mentality to one of abundance. Redefine what is important and essential for life. Redefine life. Redefine love. Redefine happiness. If these things are only conceptual, then we have an infinite amount of resources to redefine these concepts over, and over throughout time.

I want to change the world. I want to change the world. I want to change the world. I want to change the world’s perception of its most important renewable resource: acknowledgement. We can not run out of acknowledgment, which can take many forms, but in order to be realized it MUST be given. I’ll repeat, it MUST be G I V E N!

We acknowledge individuals and that is how a society is born. We acknowledge with a physical gesture; we cannot run out of the ability to acknowledge. But to “mine” that resource we must GIVE it. We do not feel acknowledged unless someone spends the energy to give it to us. We do not feel loved unless someone spends the energy to give love. We do not feel significant if no one spends the energy to acknowledge us.

I want to change the world. I want to change the world. I want to change the world. I want people to acknowledge others. I want people to identify, and convert, the walking dead. I want people to inoculate the walking dead with acknowledgement. I want to advocate for the walking dead.

My New Year’s resolution for 2013: I declare that I will advocate for the walking dead in our schools, in our work places, in our community, in all areas of society. I declare that I will build an army of advocates. I want to feel infectious. I want to feel abundant. I want to feel acknowledged and acknowledging. I know this is HUGE HUGE HUGE; this desire is on a GLOBAL scale. I also have an inner dialogue that says my desires are global because I’m afraid to feel, and feeling from one to another is unbearably painful. But I have enough, I am enough, both globally and individually. I am complete, and expanding, like the universe.

I am crying at this moment. I am feeling such a power in my heart and chest and mind. The words echoing, without cease, “That’s exactly what I want to do, that’s exactly what I want to do”. And though it is a “to do” it is driven by the feeling I get when I think about doing it. The feeling is almost indescribable, but it has a physical effect. My heart is tight, and tears just come without thinking. I put my face in my hands as if in grateful prayer; finally, there is a desire without doubt, unmotivated by a feeling of lack or scarcity or comparison.

This was not motivated by trying to “do” the Desire Map; the Desire Map has “sparked” a current that was present and flowing. The Desire Map is like a storm that floods the stream in my soul that has been faithfully flowing since the existence of time in this Universe. This is Joy, on such a ridiculous and literally insane level, almost embarrassing, threatening to release the horsemen of self-consciousness and self-deprecation that would corral the creatures of my heart into the pen of normalcy, acceptability, and predictability. At this very moment, I realize that one of those creatures has been rescued by the Desire Map, rearing to the rescue; that creature is safety, and it is freed like the Black Stallion, and it will return to the corral again and again until all my creatures are free.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Watching the Pot Boil
As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).
If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody
As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."
My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?
 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map
I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress" seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Cookies, Cats, Cards, Copper, and Care

Good morning. Made my first Christmas cookies yesterday. Thanks mom for the cookie cutter; perfect for Raspberry Linzers!

Two things came up for me this morning while checking into Facebook: 1) I don't like it, I don't like it A LOT when people use The Desire Map page to promote their commercial endeavors 2) I don't speak up when I am offended, a lot of the time, because I feel the need to question my judgment (not it's accuracy, just that I should have a judgment against another.) Both of these things seem related, so I'm just going to ramble on and see what comes of my feelings.

There is a person who posts "answers" without bothering to read the post. I judge them, and I'm annoyed by their "expert" tone. I feel that they are inauthentic and just trying to get noticed rather than really caring about the person they are advising. I ask myself, "Who is X?! Are they part of Danielle's team? How can they be so disrespectful?!"

 At some point, rather soon in the process, I ask myself, "Why does this bother me so much? Am I recognizing myself and something I don't like about myself?" I know a lot of people find "authority" when I speak, and honestly I'm not comfortable with that. I don't want to come off like I'm irrefutable; I want to be refute. I'm just thinking out loud and working it out for myself even as I speak. Yes, I start with a kernel of knowledge, but I never feel I'm absolutely right, and would much rather have the conversation that could alter my opinion and knowledge. I'm about teaching and learning, and the most important thing any of us can teach or learn is critical thinking.

And now I must ask myself, "Why am I not comfortable with being "right" or an "authority"? I know a lot about why, but don't want to get that close to the truth at this moment. And why do I feel the need to question my wholeness if I judge another? It's human to be judgmental, and sometimes that judgment protects me. But I want to be more than "just human." And, perhaps, there is a possibility that by not be open about my judgments I am stopping another from a lesson to be learned. Am I arrogant and selfish at heart, and knowing it I go to extremes to show the opposite? Or perhaps I am humble and generous, and knowing it I do not always express myself? I guess that is up to me and what I want to make it mean about myself.

Oracle Card by Jodie Harvala & Crew
 How do I want to feel, when I express my opinions that might hurt others, or come across as authoritative? When do I want to be authoritative? How do I want to feel when I am authoritative? No, that question is about how others receive my authority; powerful is a motivating feeling for authoritative. Do I want to be powerful, do I want to FEEL powerful? Do I want to have power over others?

Cellini Spiral

So now, I'll let those words marinate in the rest of my day. I'm actually going to start a Cellini spiral, and I've reduced my expectations of perfection and decided to just find a single color of bead that I like and find a pallet that uses it on Design Seeds, and choose the rest of my beads from there.

Filagree Ring and Lampwork Bead
 I'm also going to make a pair of earrings that match this ring I made as a gift for a friend who has been true and loving.
Rock Recipes

I'm also going to make these cookies, which I imagine I've had before and when I had them loooooong ago, I loved them.

Waiting for the "Storm" to come that should have been here in the wee hours and shows no signs of coming until the moment I really don't want it to! (I just reread this; it was initially a literal statement! Here's the perfect picture!)

Waiting for the Storm, Enigma-theory

Have a wonderful day all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.....

and I'm feeling gooooood! What is it about songs that sum up feelings so well?! I hope you don't mind yet another song reference, but these days I am doing what makes me FEEL good.
If you are new to my blog, you've joined me in the infancy of my journey with Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. The Desire map is a book, a program, a way of thinking about the ways of feelings. The premise is that instead of making goals based on the thing we want to achieve, we should make goals that are in line with how we want to feel when we achieve them. As a simple example, you may have set a goal to own a Mercedes Benz because you hope you will look good when you get it; instead make your goal today to do what makes you feel wealthy and admirable. The idea is that your actions today will lead you to the place you need to be, have the things you want, because you do what makes you feel the way you want to feel. The feelings that are the most important to you are your "Core Desired Feelings"; the feelings that drive you to do what you do, the feelings that you want to feel more often.
Danielle's book has a list of 160+ "feelings/desires" to inspire the reader. Today I went through all of them and I highlighted those that resonated with me; I made thoughtful notes when they were especially strong. Then I went over all of them again and put a check next to those I feel I already AM. Then something started to click; when I am thinking about how the desires make me feel, I'm feeling the vibration of the desire and automatically I think "I want to feel more of that or less of that" I'm paying attention to both what I want and do not want, at this point, but when I think about what I want more of, I feel motivated to think about how to get it.
The other day I posted the haloed Buddha picture here, and afterward I added some core desired feelings for the day. Since that time, I've been one very creative, compassionate, and eloquent ball of fire! I've been blogging every day (I feel I've written with eloquence). I've made artistic "posters" and a Zen Tangle that ties into my writing and discoveries, and I've gotten busy with MonaRAEbeads business and sold a LOT of beads!
My first post about the desire map describes a character on the Bravo TV reality show, Shahs of Sunset. I fell in love with Asa, and I described what I admired so much about her. Then I had an AHA moment! I was already those things I admired in her, I needed to acknowledge that those characteristics are already in me. So, I created a poster, which has become my profile picture on Facebook. I love it!
The Desire Map program has an open Facebook page where we can discuss our moments with the program. I posted that I felt goal-less. I had a realization that it was okay, that it didn't mean I lacked ambition, but rather that I get to start with a clean canvas from which to create new goals based on my desires. So I created a poster that celebrates what I am grateful for.
Yesterday I posted my essay poster about being centered. I used the metaphor of a teeter totter to explore my feelings, and how my feelings change. I wrote from a very raw, authentic place, giving the reader a real-time sense of my thought process. Later in that day, I asked myself how I wanted to feel and it was still "creative". I had been wanting to do a Zen Tangle for more than a year, and my son had barely touched his kit that I bought him. So, I turned on the audio book of Desire Map and listened to Danielle read the book to me while I did my very first Zen Tangle. Can you see the teeter totter balanced on the triangular fulcrum? It came through without my intention to draw it, it was just something I was already focused on being...centered
Between the blogging yesterday, and the Zen Tangling in the afternoon, I decided to have a sale in my Etsy shop. I haven't made beads in a while and part of the reason is that I have so many, it doesn't feel good or justified to make more until I get rid of what I have. And I'm not happy with the jewelry I've made most recently (won't even list it!) I wanted to feel unburdened by the fact that they are just sitting here; I wanted to feel free of them so much I was ready to just give them away. So, I am giving a discount of 50% for those buyers who subscribe to my website, and 30% to those who don't want to subscribe (subscribers also get an additional coupon of 15% off, coupons cannot be combined). AND if you spend more than $100.00 I will pay for priority shipping in the USA. Then I got busy checking the inventory, designing a member's email, creating a coupon code (which you will get if you subscribe or just go to my ETSY store for 30%), creating a flyer, posting on the web site, and pinning on Pinterest. I've had some sales but there's still a lot left for you, beads and jewelry!
I'm finding very, very quickly, that when I focus on how I want to feel, my "goals with soul" are attended to automatically. I chose to be creative, eloquent, and compassionate for a day...DAYS ago. And even as I write this, I am satisfied, satiated, that my time has been spent better than, and in accordance with what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to feel....better than ANY other thing I could have decided to do.
I want to invite you to attend an online n with Danielle tomorrow, 12/19/12, at noon PST. It's free, so if you are curious, doubtful, feeling like it, please sign up for the link here.


Monday, December 17, 2012

Join Me on the Teeter Totter

"But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of
love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but
not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."
—Khalil Gibran

It's raining. It's quiet. It's warm with my coffee and blanket and fire in the wood stove. I'm absorbing The Desire Map, slowly.

In the list of "150+ Positive Feelings" the first significant feeling I highlight is "centered". I FEEL the desire, I hear the word "fulcrum", I see the image of a teeter totter. I am desiring balance. I write.

I would like to invite you to a FREE, online conversation that I will be attending on Wednesday, 12/19/12. It is hosted by Danielle LaPorte (author of The Desire Map) and Eric Handler (co-founder of Positively Positive) both of whom are hottttt!


Sunday, December 16, 2012

To Dream the Impossible Dream (Hmmm another song title!)

How do I want to feel today? My daily transformational question, gifted by the Desire Map. I want to feel creative, compassionate, and eloquent.

I had the best dream this morning, which surprises me. It surprises me because I went to bed tired enough to sleep at 10:30, got on my Facebook in bed, became engrossed and agitated by a post about mental illness, and didn't fall asleep until about 12:30. I've been having dreams in the last 2 months that have been totally atypical for me.

In this dream I was in India, and I was in the offices of my old job at Position 2.  I had blonde hair and actually had just had a conversation with a woman at the counter of the beauty shop as I paid for my services on the way out. I was cleaning a dishwasher that was also a clothes washer. Kelly Greene was there and so was a young man who was her boyfriend. Kelly had the power of telekinesis and she made a large book fly through the air and hit the boyfriend. The two made me feel like they were the couple from Twilight.
Next I was outside, and there was a kind of rummage sale. One of the guys, maybe Avinash, was showing off his find of these beautiful orange-brown, lotus shaped, ceramic bowls, with matching dipping trays. And I got excited to find some of my own and Avinash had a microphone in one hand and started singing about all the Indian  foods you can put in the bowls, and I sang with him about all the other foods and objects I could put in the bowl, and it was fun and funny, very Bollywood comical. Then off to the market I went. I began to feel desperate that I wouldn't find the bowls because there was so much stuff to look at, but then not only did I find them, but the ones I had found were different than the ones Avinash had. The bowls I had found were a turquoise-green/blue and they were not lotus shaped, they were Buddha shaped! They had five lobes, one for the head, two for the arms, two for the folded knees and flat on the bottom. And the dipping trays of the same color were about 1/2" deep with the same outline shape but they were not bowls, they were miniature trays for individual servings. If I had clay I would make them all right now!
As I continued through the market and looked at many different things, I came to a stand where one older woman was laying down on a step riser where many of the wares surrounded her, and another more agile, younger (but older than me) woman sat with her legs tucked under her on the ground below. As I bent over to pick something up from one of the steps, I dropped something, but not out of clumsiness but rather out of loss of control of my body. And I felt like I knew what to do to respond to my body, but I was scared, and the women were not scared but were concerned. My entire body seized, and there was a pain (like when something you swallow gets stuck in your esophagus) which radiated out from my chest. I was not thinking "heart attack" so I don't think I was having one; instead I was thinking "you know how to handle this, relax, focus on the pain, find your center, So, Hum, breath". I closed my eyes, as I felt my body's falling sensation. And my mantra began...So (inhale) Hum (exhale) focus, and my third eye focused on a vision of a batik of Buddha with radiating light surrounding and going outward in rays from the head. And just like that, at that moment of clarity the pain went away, I had control of my body, I opened my eyes, I was still standing (maybe never really fell), and I took a deep breath. As I began my mantra, I was humming Ohm, and the two women also had been humming Ohm, and as they were humming I could feel their desire to help me and the confidence that prayer was the absolute only thing that could be done.
As I paid for my wares, leaving the market, another woman was at the counter. I didn't immediately recognize her, but she recognized me (I could tell by the way she was looking at me, with curiosity, not necessarily friendliness). She had her glasses on when I saw her earlier, but I remembered being impressed with her clothing, and it was that same clothing that brought recognition to me, because I had never seen her eyes until now. I said "Hello" in a way to acknowledge her stares, but also in a way that kept away conversation. There was an undercurrent of "I know you know me but you don't know me and you don't want to know me but you are compelled to know more about me and you want to take from me and I want to give to you but I do not trust you" and I felt drawn, and she felt drawn, and I felt fear and curiosity, and she felt desire and hate and love.
I left and found myself going back to Position 2, walking joyfully with two other women, both younger, and hopping down the planter ledge, and giving my hand to the younger woman to help her down the ledge. And she asked, "How do you do that so easily, do you have a young child?" I respond, "Yes I do, but he's not a baby any more, he's tall now, very, very tall." That is the end of the dream, and I awake feeling like I'd been to a movie starring me. But I think the most important character was the woman in the sunglasses. So Hum, I Am....the woman in the glasses.

So that's "creative"; I think I'll post this to Story Lane. Now for compassionate and eloquent (well, maybe one might consider what I've written already to be eloquent); I had the intention of being both at the same time to communicate what agitates me as much as my dream gave me pleasure. Gun wanna talk about it, fine, but talk about the facts and the truth and for God's sake, do not anthropomorphize it, giving it the power to kill. A gun is a tool used by another to kill, whether they shoot a human or an animal or plant; people kill people and unlike corporations, guns are not people (snarky pun intended.)
My Fave!
Don't talk about gun control without talking about the fact that more gun control cannot stop the problem that incited the conversation, the elementary school shooting. The only way to stop the problem is to understand the people who commit the crime, who pull the trigger. What is their mind like, their life, their environment? Understand they are different, the people and the reasons, from each other, that there is not just one explanation or type of person we can "keep from buying guns." If guns were not available at all, other weapons would be used. One death is as important as many, so really, the issue should not be that these are "mass" killings, but killings at all. The issue is the condition of being human in our society. Sometimes we can do something about the conditions of potential killers, however sometimes we cannot. When we can make life more joyous for another we should. When we cannot prevent a killer from killing, we must do what we can to protect everyone from violent outcomes. But we CAN NOT go around making blanket judgments that the mentally ill should be prevented from buying guns. What we can do is pay attention to who is buying enough weapons and body armor and ammunition that combine to a lethal threat should that be the intention.
It seems to me a very simple solution. A computer database that analyzes purchases, which we already have in online shopping; "People who purchased this item also looked at these other items." To satisfy the needs of more control, we can require registration of all purchases of ammunition, chemicals, fire arms, body armor, and other materials that are factors in the equation we are trying to avoid completion of. As a database continually analyzes these purchases, a red flag can be raised when conditions are met that can be considered lethal. These people who have met these conditions should be simply asked their intentions, not arrested, nor harassed, just asked point blank "Why have you purchased these items, show them to us and how they are being stored." It does not matter if they are mentally ill, because not all people with mental illness kill, and not all killers have mental illness. Unfortunately we must trust a system that fails on a regular basis to allow us our freedom to live and protect and prepare ourselves, regardless of how we see fit to do that on a person by person basis. That is what will cause the down fall of our society, as it has increasingly already become the cause of mass killings and other crimes; our corrupt system of humans with power, who are not responsible, compassionate, or intelligent enough to wield that power. 

How do I want to feel? Whole and complete and effective.

Much love,


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Do You Feel Like I Do?

It has been a long week with four days of substituting. Last week I left the classroom feeling frustrated because I just didn’t feel like I communicated, and as a result my students didn’t “get it.” I began reading the “DesireMap” after that experience, and much has transformed simply as a result of asking myself, at any given moment, “How do I want to FEEL?”

On the morning drive to my first day of teaching this week, I declared that I wanted to feel calm and patient. The student I have the most trouble with must have declared feeling “focused”, because we “got it” together and tears actually welled up in my eyes. I’ve had many successes before, but this was different; I’ve never FELT such overwhelming happiness for my students before.

I’ve felt like writing at many moments this week, but have been too busy and exhausted; last night I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept for 10 hours! This morning I watched Shahs of Sunset (a reality show about a group of Persian people in Hollywood…can’t help this guilty pleasure, it’s the voyeur in me!) for the first time. There is one character who I fell in love with and wanted to be more outwardly like her, because she reflects the parts of me I suppress. She’s beautiful, exotic, and brave. She wears cultural clothes and jewelry and makeup. She’s artistic and expresses her soul both on the canvas and music. She’s fun. She’s adored. She’s unaffected by the greatness that she is, and the greatness others openly express that they see and admire in her. Wow, I AM her. 
Can you guess who I'm in love with?
 “You are not chasing the goal…you are chasing the feelings that you hope attaining those goals will give you.” Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map. I feel rather goal-less; I think I am wallowing in that feeling rather than looking to see if it is true.

Am I living life with a goal in mind? I make glass beads, but not as often as I want, and when I do, I don’t have the same confidence I used to. Have I really lost interest in the art, or have I become too critical of my abilities? More importantly, what is the feeling I am hoping it will give me?

I am a substitute teacher in special education. I went to school for my credential, received it, but have not been hired as a teacher on a full time basis; but why do I want to do that? I know if I get hired I will feel valued, and I will feel that I have a career, making my parents proud. I have forever felt that I am a failure, not finding a traditional way in life to give me financial freedom and responsibility; if I had this “job” would I feel “worthy”?

I am not as passionate about being in a classroom on a regular basis as I am passionate about advocating for students, their caregivers, and their teachers in the special education setting. I REALLY want to make a difference on a much bigger scale than meeting curriculum goals; I want to inform people of their rights, help them create tools, give them mechanisms that will enable them to be academically and socially and personally capable of meeting the educational demands placed on them. For some reason, should that be my goal, I cannot define the “feeling” I hope that will give me; is it fame, fortune, acceptance, importance, pride, worth, all of the above?
Thanks for the guitar Grandma and Mom!
I have been struggling with this search for self for the last 12 years. This week my son turned 16; I am giving him the gift of not having the same pain during his own search. On his birthday morning we went early for Starbucks’ free birthday coffee, and we had an amazing conversation about what is important, what is happy, what drives our goals, and how do we make choices. My son is amazing, and ahead of the game. His thought process is clear, mature, and he is confident. I have always had a hard time accepting the compliments others have given to me for the beauty that my son authentically is; today I own that I have had a great part in allowing him to become who he is meant to be.

I just get stuck there, in that space of knowing that if I never do anything else in life before I die, I have done the most important thing anyone can ever do. I hope my mother feels the same.
With much love for all of you readers, have a good day, and do what you want to feel!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Accentuate the Positive

Just need to write about my adventure in #DesireMap. Woke at 3:33 am (what a number huh?!). Layed (is that the right spelling for the meaning?!) in bed, mind occupied on the past (negative memories) for an hour. Decided to have breakfast and engage in reading more of Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map.

Being aware is exhausting some times. I'm aware of all that I need to do today. I'm aware of all that I want to do today. There is nothing that I DON'T want to do, but it seems there's not enough day to do it all, AND considering I was up at such an early hour, there won't be enough energy to do it all. Sigh.

I'm aware that reading Desire Map is exciting me, driving me, inspiring me. I'm aware that while I want to swallow it whole, I NEED to slow down and digest. It isn't that I fear choking, but rather I desire to be nourished and grow. And just as those words are "drying" I get it....I get IT. Yeah me!

I was arguing with myself about taking the time to write, and now I'm so glad I did. This is an example of how doing what makes me feel good, rather making my goals according to my desires, gives positive results. And I also recognize, in this moment, that happened very, very, VERY quickly, with MINIMAL EFFORT....boy, that's just the way I like my equation for "Effort".

Photo Courtesy of Kali
Glad I'm taking it slowly because I also discovered what my body does when a feeling is "real". It happened when I read "Kali Mama Goddess". It's the word "Kali" that literally squeezed my heart, put pressure on my sinuses, and caused tears to well; I felt recognition. I have a tapestry hanging on my studio wall of Kali. The colors are beautiful and brilliant and audacious, as is the subject.

On a final note, one of the chapters is titled "Accentuate the Positive." Here's what my memory immediately recalled.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Feeeeelings, Wooooah Feeeeeelings (Sing it y'all!)

I have been feeling static, stuck, unambitious, and unsuccessful. I have been feeling lost. I have been feeling as if I have no feelings…apathetic.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Danielle LaPorte and her “White, Hot Truth”. She’s the author of Firestarter Sessions, but I have not taken part in that program. Danielle’s words have always resonated with me. Yesterday she launched a new program called Desire Map; it is my mom’s Christmas present to me ($170 in 3 payments, delivered today both digitally and tangibly), and will become my present to my son on his 16th birthday.

Danielle says, “We have the procedures of achievement upside down. We go after the stuff we want to have, get, accomplish, and experience outside of ourselves. And we hope, yearn, pray that we’ll be fulfilled when we get there. It’s backwards. It’s outside in. And it’s running us in circles.

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays — your life?”

I think she’s on to something here! My feelings are all wrapped around not achieving, to my satisfaction. Maybe my feelings are the way they are because I’m not setting my satisfaction as a goal; maybe its because I don’t know what will satisfy me. I have been stuck most painfully in the knowledge that I don’t know what I want.

Danielle’s program will coach me through a process that helps me get clear on how I want to feel in my life, and set my goals according to my “core desires.” For me, this is an “ah ha!” realization: of course this is the way it should be! 

I’ll try to take you with me through my self realizations. In the mean time, I want to share a couple video’s with you. If you want to know more about the program, please click here. 

(1:02) Desire More : Danielle LaPorte : Video Poem from Danielle LaPorte on Vimeo.

This  video is about an hour long and is a workshop video of Goals With Soul. It gives a real feel for the program purpose. If you want to know more about the program, please click here.