Watching the Pot Boil

latcrossword.blogspot.com

As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).

EffYeahNerdFighters.com

If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid ....my....self....

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody

As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."

TheHeartAttackSymptoms.org

My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid ...my .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?

ExpressNightOut.com

 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO powerful...it scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map

I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress"....it seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.....

and I'm feeling gooooood! What is it about songs that sum up feelings so well?! I hope you don't mind yet another song reference, but these days I am doing what makes me FEEL good.

If you are new to my blog, you've joined me in the infancy of my journey with Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. The Desire map is a book, a program, a way of thinking about the ways of feelings. The premise is that instead of making goals based on the thing we want to achieve, we should make goals that are in line with how we want to feel when we achieve them. As a simple example, you may have set a goal to own a Mercedes Benz because you hope you will look good when you get it; instead make your goal today to do what makes you feel wealthy and admirable. The idea is that your actions today will lead you to the place you need to be, have the things you want, because you do what makes you feel the way you want to feel. The feelings that are the most important to you are your "Core Desired Feelings"; the feelings that drive you to do what you do, the feelings that you want to feel more often.

Danielle's book has a list of 160+ "feelings/desires" to inspire the reader. Today I went through all of them and I highlighted those that resonated with me; I made thoughtful notes when they were especially strong. Then I went over all of them again and put a check next to those I feel I already AM. Then something started to click; when I am thinking about how the desires make me feel, I'm feeling the vibration of the desire and automatically I think "I want to feel more of that or less of that" I'm paying attention to both what I want and do not want, at this point, but when I think about what I want more of, I feel motivated to think about how to get it.

The other day I posted the haloed Buddha picture here, and afterward I added some core desired feelings for the day. Since that time, I've been one very creative, compassionate, and eloquent ball of fire! I've been blogging every day (I feel I've written with eloquence). I've made artistic "posters" and a Zen Tangle that ties into my writing and discoveries, and I've gotten busy with MonaRAEbeads business and sold a LOT of beads!

My first post about the desire map describes a character on the Bravo TV reality show, Shahs of Sunset. I fell in love with Asa, and I described what I admired so much about her. Then I had an AHA moment! I was already those things I admired in her, I needed to acknowledge that those characteristics are already in me. So, I created a poster, which has become my profile picture on Facebook. I love it!

The Desire Map program has an open Facebook page where we can discuss our moments with the program. I posted that I felt goal-less. I had a realization that it was okay, that it didn't mean I lacked ambition, but rather that I get to start with a clean canvas from which to create new goals based on my desires. So I created a poster that celebrates what I am grateful for.

Yesterday I posted my essay poster about being centered. I used the metaphor of a teeter totter to explore my feelings, and how my feelings change. I wrote from a very raw, authentic place, giving the reader a real-time sense of my thought process. Later in that day, I asked myself how I wanted to feel and it was still "creative". I had been wanting to do a Zen Tangle for more than a year, and my son had barely touched his kit that I bought him. So, I turned on the audio book of Desire Map and listened to Danielle read the book to me while I did my very first Zen Tangle. Can you see the teeter totter balanced on the triangular fulcrum? It came through without my intention to draw it, it was just something I was already focused on being...centered! 

Between the blogging yesterday, and the Zen Tangling in the afternoon, I decided to have a sale in my Etsy shop. I haven't made beads in a while and part of the reason is that I have so many, it doesn't feel good or justified to make more until I get rid of what I have. And I'm not happy with the jewelry I've made most recently (won't even list it!) I wanted to feel unburdened by the fact that they are just sitting here; I wanted to feel free of them so much I was ready to just give them away. So, I am giving a discount of 50% for those buyers who subscribe to my website, and 30% to those who don't want to subscribe (subscribers also get an additional coupon of 15% off, coupons cannot be combined). AND if you spend more than $100.00 I will pay for priority shipping in the USA. Then I got busy checking the inventory, designing a member's email, creating a coupon code (which you will get if you subscribe or just go to my ETSY store for 30%), creating a flyer, posting on the web site, and pinning on Pinterest. I've had some sales but there's still a lot left for you, beads and jewelry!

I'm finding very, very quickly, that when I focus on how I want to feel, my "goals with soul" are attended to automatically. I chose to be creative, eloquent, and compassionate for a day...DAYS ago. And even as I write this, I am satisfied, satiated, that my time has been spent better than, and in accordance with what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to feel....better than ANY other thing I could have decided to do.

I want to invite you to attend an online n with Danielle tomorrow, 12/19/12, at noon PST. It's free, so if you are curious, doubtful, feeling like it, please sign up for the link here.

 

Join Me on the Teeter Totter

"But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of
love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but
not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."
—Khalil Gibran

It's raining. It's quiet. It's warm with my coffee and blanket and fire in the wood stove. I'm absorbing The Desire Map, slowly.

In the list of "150+ Positive Feelings" the first significant feeling I highlight is "centered". I FEEL the desire, I hear the word "fulcrum", I see the image of a teeter totter. I am desiring balance. I write.

I would like to invite you to a FREE, online conversation that I will be attending on Wednesday, 12/19/12. It is hosted by Danielle LaPorte (author of The Desire Map) and Eric Handler (co-founder of Positively Positive) both of whom are hottttt!

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR INVITE TO "DESIRE, GOALS, AND SOUL: HOW TO MAKE 2013 YOUR BEST YEAR EVER!"

Do You Feel Like I Do?

It has been a long week with four days of substituting. Last week I left the classroom feeling frustrated because I just didn’t feel like I communicated, and as a result my students didn’t “get it.” I began reading the “DesireMap” after that experience, and much has transformed simply as a result of asking myself, at any given moment, “How do I want to FEEL?”

On the morning drive to my first day of teaching this week, I declared that I wanted to feel calm and patient. The student I have the most trouble with must have declared feeling “focused”, because we “got it” together and tears actually welled up in my eyes. I’ve had many successes before, but this was different; I’ve never FELT such overwhelming happiness for my students before.

I’ve felt like writing at many moments this week, but have been too busy and exhausted; last night I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept for 10 hours! This morning I watched Shahs of Sunset (a reality show about a group of Persian people in Hollywood…can’t help this guilty pleasure, it’s the voyeur in me!) for the first time. There is one character who I fell in love with and wanted to be more outwardly like her, because she reflects the parts of me I suppress. She’s beautiful, exotic, and brave. She wears cultural clothes and jewelry and makeup. She’s artistic and expresses her soul both on the canvas and music. She’s fun. She’s adored. She’s unaffected by the greatness that she is, and the greatness others openly express that they see and admire in her. Wow, I AM her. 

Can you guess who I'm in love with?

 “You are not chasing the goal…you are chasing the feelings that you hope attaining those goals will give you.” Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map. I feel rather goal-less; I think I am wallowing in that feeling rather than looking to see if it is true.

Am I living life with a goal in mind? I make glass beads, but not as often as I want, and when I do, I don’t have the same confidence I used to. Have I really lost interest in the art, or have I become too critical of my abilities? More importantly, what is the feeling I am hoping it will give me?

I am a substitute teacher in special education. I went to school for my credential, received it, but have not been hired as a teacher on a full time basis; but why do I want to do that? I know if I get hired I will feel valued, and I will feel that I have a career, making my parents proud. I have forever felt that I am a failure, not finding a traditional way in life to give me financial freedom and responsibility; if I had this “job” would I feel “worthy”?

I am not as passionate about being in a classroom on a regular basis as I am passionate about advocating for students, their caregivers, and their teachers in the special education setting. I REALLY want to make a difference on a much bigger scale than meeting curriculum goals; I want to inform people of their rights, help them create tools, give them mechanisms that will enable them to be academically and socially and personally capable of meeting the educational demands placed on them. For some reason, should that be my goal, I cannot define the “feeling” I hope that will give me; is it fame, fortune, acceptance, importance, pride, worth, all of the above?

Thanks for the guitar Grandma and Mom!

I have been struggling with this search for self for the last 12 years. This week my son turned 16; I am giving him the gift of not having the same pain during his own search. On his birthday morning we went early for Starbucks’ free birthday coffee, and we had an amazing conversation about what is important, what is happy, what drives our goals, and how do we make choices. My son is amazing, and ahead of the game. His thought process is clear, mature, and he is confident. I have always had a hard time accepting the compliments others have given to me for the beauty that my son authentically is; today I own that I have had a great part in allowing him to become who he is meant to be.

I just get stuck there, in that space of knowing that if I never do anything else in life before I die, I have done the most important thing anyone can ever do. I hope my mother feels the same.

With much love for all of you readers, have a good day, and do what you want to feel!

Accentuate the Positive

Just need to write about my adventure in #DesireMap. Woke at 3:33 am (what a number huh?!). Layed (is that the right spelling for the meaning?!) in bed, mind occupied on the past (negative memories) for an hour. Decided to have breakfast and engage in reading more of Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map.

Being aware is exhausting some times. I'm aware of all that I need to do today. I'm aware of all that I want to do today. There is nothing that I DON'T want to do, but it seems there's not enough day to do it all, AND considering I was up at such an early hour, there won't be enough energy to do it all. Sigh.

I'm aware that reading Desire Map is exciting me, driving me, inspiring me. I'm aware that while I want to swallow it whole, I NEED to slow down and digest. It isn't that I fear choking, but rather I desire to be nourished and grow. And just as those words are "drying" I get it....I get IT. Yeah me!

I was arguing with myself about taking the time to write, and now I'm so glad I did. This is an example of how doing what makes me feel good, rather making my goals according to my desires, gives positive results. And I also recognize, in this moment, that happened very, very, VERY quickly, with MINIMAL EFFORT....boy, that's just the way I like my equation for "Effort".

Photo Courtesy of Kali Segrino.blogspot.com

Glad I'm taking it slowly because I also discovered what my body does when a feeling is "real". It happened when I read "Kali Mama Goddess". It's the word "Kali" that literally squeezed my heart, put pressure on my sinuses, and caused tears to well; I felt recognition. I have a tapestry hanging on my studio wall of Kali. The colors are beautiful and brilliant and audacious, as is the subject.




On a final note, one of the chapters is titled "Accentuate the Positive." Here's what my memory immediately recalled.

The Gap Between Thoughts: I am a Stone Mason

Courtesy of EnlightenYourself101

Today it was very difficult to meditate. "I forgive; I release; I let go of anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good."

This meditation began with an explanation, and an answering of the questions I had yesterday: Do we know how much of the past really holds us? Do we really know all our stories? How did they set the trajectory for our life? Our ability to love ourselves or others? Does reframing really set us free to make new choices to improve the future? How do I allow the past to interfere with the present?

Courtesy of the Chopra Center

David Simon, Free to Love Free to Heal, states that every heart has the capacity to forgive. Are there people you can’t forgive? Are there things that are unforgivable? We believe resentment effects the offender. Their choices reflect the story that they’ve been living. 


We should recognize our own capacity to cause harm to another. Forgiveness releases judgment. Attention is the energy that feeds growth or regression.

Courtesy of Primer Magazine

So, how do I truly forgive and release anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good? I suppose first I have to know who and what those blocks are, but I've done so well all this time not acknowledging these blocks, not giving them power ... or have I? Have I really just been storing them away, holding on to them for some proverbial rainy day; this rainy day? Am I afraid of waking the demons and living without them? Have I made them that much of who I am? Who am I if I believe they are essential to my being?

Start Anywhere

This seems all too much to really understand. I'll just start. My grandmother was a hateful woman. Long before her death I decided to eliminate her from my life. I decided to no longer try to please her or get her approval. I decided to no longer be emotionally abused by her. The one thing that helped me know it was the right thing for me to do, and I'll never forget this, was the answer to the question, "If she dies alone will I regret not being there?" My answer was easily, "No." I knew I was ready to separate myself from her completely; but did I forgive her? I don't think so, because in describing her to anyone, I easily say she was a hateful woman, and in saying it I never fear the wrath of God for lacking understanding; I have simply felt as if I was simply stating a fact.

Reassess

So how has holding onto "the facts" served me? Have I really let go if I have not forgiven? Holding on to the facts has allowed me to ignore the possibility that we really can't kill off people and experiences; we can't unring the bell and we can't completely lose awareness of its ring (or can we? I've often felt there are early childhood experiences that I've completely erased). Trying to sort this out seems so overwhelming and circuitous.

Try Again

Okay, so to Omi, I forgive you. For some reason I do not need to understand, you operated in the capacity of the story you were living. You did not have the capacity to make choices that did not involve hurting me. You did not have the capacity, 

you did not know, 

you did not, 

you were incapable of making choices that could not, 

would not, 

you could not conceive of ways not to, 

you chose to, 

you only knew how to make choices to, 

hurt me. 

You were hurtful. 

Reasses

Am I now released, have I truly let go? No, I guess I have to say, "I forgive you", but to really mean that I need to understand that forgiveness is not something I am giving her, it is something I am giving myself. So much easier said than done.

Try Again

I forgive you Omi, for being hateful, for being hurtful, for being ignorant. These are the facts, but when I say them, the act of saying them makes me feel hateful and hurtful. That is what I am making it mean, but I have a choice not to be ignorant, I have a choice to make it mean something else. I chose to make it mean, I am merely stating the facts, I do not have to "feel" what they mean because they are not my facts, they are hers. 

REALIZATION!

Courtesy of Club Penguin

So I forgive you for being who you were, and though I am sad that you did not chose to be better than who you were, I am happy that I am not who you were. I am making room in my life to not hate you, to not pity you, to not have you in my life; you are a bell that's resonance is being drowned out by the space in my life I have opened to being loved, to being whole, to being me. You may no longer be permitted in that space; you are unnecessary for me to love and be loved.

Courtesy of EnlightenYourself101

The difference between this definition of forgiveness and the first one posted above, is emotion. "When we no longer hold those emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them."

I really did ring the bell on this one. I need to re read my declaration to my grandmother and apply it to all things I am holding on to that I need to forgive; the words are my own, I realized them, and they are universal. And you watched the process, this is how I did it; I just laid it out as it came, truly, authentically, unadulteratedly so.

Courtesy of Martha's Kitchen  Corner

One step at a time. Nothing is final. Nothing is written in stone unless I am the author who carves it. And even then, I am the author, I can wield the sledgehammer that smashes the stone at any time. I  acknowledge that I am not the creator of the stone, but I am the author of any uses of the stone in my life. I am a stone mason.

Okay, once again, cue theme from Twilight Zone! Stone Mason?! Really?! The foundation, the Masons, the Holy Grail, the lineage of Christ, Stone Henge! 

Sacred Destintations

OMG OMG OMG, que "du du duuuunnnn" music that happens right after the big moment on film: The title of this post, "The Gap Between Thoughts", was written before I added "I am a stone Mason", but now I realize how poignant that was. The gap between stones is filled with mortar, the stuff that allows a structure to either last or crumble through time and environment. The gap between thoughts is not filled with silence and thoughtlessness, it is filled with the stuff that allows the mind to either last or crumble through time and environment!