Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map
I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress" seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!