Tell Me How You REALLLLY Feel

My Core Desired Feelings -- in progress

I've been taking my time with The Desire Map, a program to help you make goals based on how you want to feel when you achieve them (rather than what you want in order to feel the way you want to feel). The shift in my attitude, thinking, and actions has been profound. I find that I have more faith in the Universe to provide what I need, and making decisions is much easier. I have also noticed how alike people are; we often think no one will understand our "situations".

There is an open Face Book group and a Pinterest board for The Desire Map. I wanted to share some of the posts that have touched me, and often that I have identified with.

Melissa Butcher's doggy knows!

Oh, to have the life of a dog....how often have you wished it? There's more to it than your initially realize. When I saw this picture, I realized how much our furry friends really know about how to have a life. The essence of your desire is a feeling...ultimately of love.

Another feeling I often find among Desire Mappers is Powerful, and those feelings related to "Powerful", like the desire to Change the World!  Marie Forleo's business is business. She's offering a way to scholarships in her Amazing online B-School. Desire Mapper Shauna Brandes hopes to earn a scholarship, and change the world of childbirth. She's so empowered with The Desire Map, she (and several others) is leaving her full time job to pursue her dreams and desires!

Desire Mapping in real time!

 
Desire mappers have been getting creative in their lives, whether it's Pinterest or video; here's one of my favorite creators among the Desire Mappers. Lou Niestat chronicled her day trip on the train, with her father, and it is just amazing!!!! She sketches and notates during the action and fills in colorful details afterward in journal style. This day trip is just one of her "musings". Please look at all her work; it's in action, living the life desired.

Realizing the desire to finish a project

Laura Boyd Stadig quilted her Core Desired Feelings into this amazing, hand sewn and painted piece.

Grace Quantock created a photo album that chronicled a singled day with her Desire Map and then blogged about her epiphanies, especially how she "Escaped My To-Do List."


Do lists rule your life?

Centered on the Fulcrum by MonaRAEbeads.com

And I've been creative too! Aside from writing, I've also been zentangling and creating strong image collage/poems. Most significantly, I too want to change the world; I am an Advocate, and a very very good one at that! I downloaded an awesome mind mapping program, The Brain, and I'm doing research and creating a plan to get paid for what I do well. Most recently a friend called on me to advocate for her when she found out she had breast cancer; she's having a double radical mastectomy today. In the process of working on her behalf I discovered a program that the doctors should have known about, figured out how to implement it, and shared my discoveries with the doctors who now are able to offer the program to their own patients. So, I'm getting into action on getting paid for what I do so well.

Oh, and I'm still making beads and jewelry. My birthday necklace is almost ready to show you, and it's amaaaazing!

I'm Queen of the Bongo, Here me When I Come!

I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?

The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.

This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or unconsciously looking to the outside world for what we want.”

One Love Journey

What is wrong with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work; I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other, risk.

Is looking for feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing” and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!

Would I rather give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of self-deprecation.

The two MOST important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”, as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about feeling confidence?

But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!

"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"

 

Watching the Pot Boil

latcrossword.blogspot.com

As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).

EffYeahNerdFighters.com

If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid ....my....self....

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody

As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."

TheHeartAttackSymptoms.org

My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid ...my .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?

ExpressNightOut.com

 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO powerful...it scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map

I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress"....it seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.....

and I'm feeling gooooood! What is it about songs that sum up feelings so well?! I hope you don't mind yet another song reference, but these days I am doing what makes me FEEL good.

If you are new to my blog, you've joined me in the infancy of my journey with Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. The Desire map is a book, a program, a way of thinking about the ways of feelings. The premise is that instead of making goals based on the thing we want to achieve, we should make goals that are in line with how we want to feel when we achieve them. As a simple example, you may have set a goal to own a Mercedes Benz because you hope you will look good when you get it; instead make your goal today to do what makes you feel wealthy and admirable. The idea is that your actions today will lead you to the place you need to be, have the things you want, because you do what makes you feel the way you want to feel. The feelings that are the most important to you are your "Core Desired Feelings"; the feelings that drive you to do what you do, the feelings that you want to feel more often.

Danielle's book has a list of 160+ "feelings/desires" to inspire the reader. Today I went through all of them and I highlighted those that resonated with me; I made thoughtful notes when they were especially strong. Then I went over all of them again and put a check next to those I feel I already AM. Then something started to click; when I am thinking about how the desires make me feel, I'm feeling the vibration of the desire and automatically I think "I want to feel more of that or less of that" I'm paying attention to both what I want and do not want, at this point, but when I think about what I want more of, I feel motivated to think about how to get it.

The other day I posted the haloed Buddha picture here, and afterward I added some core desired feelings for the day. Since that time, I've been one very creative, compassionate, and eloquent ball of fire! I've been blogging every day (I feel I've written with eloquence). I've made artistic "posters" and a Zen Tangle that ties into my writing and discoveries, and I've gotten busy with MonaRAEbeads business and sold a LOT of beads!

My first post about the desire map describes a character on the Bravo TV reality show, Shahs of Sunset. I fell in love with Asa, and I described what I admired so much about her. Then I had an AHA moment! I was already those things I admired in her, I needed to acknowledge that those characteristics are already in me. So, I created a poster, which has become my profile picture on Facebook. I love it!

The Desire Map program has an open Facebook page where we can discuss our moments with the program. I posted that I felt goal-less. I had a realization that it was okay, that it didn't mean I lacked ambition, but rather that I get to start with a clean canvas from which to create new goals based on my desires. So I created a poster that celebrates what I am grateful for.

Yesterday I posted my essay poster about being centered. I used the metaphor of a teeter totter to explore my feelings, and how my feelings change. I wrote from a very raw, authentic place, giving the reader a real-time sense of my thought process. Later in that day, I asked myself how I wanted to feel and it was still "creative". I had been wanting to do a Zen Tangle for more than a year, and my son had barely touched his kit that I bought him. So, I turned on the audio book of Desire Map and listened to Danielle read the book to me while I did my very first Zen Tangle. Can you see the teeter totter balanced on the triangular fulcrum? It came through without my intention to draw it, it was just something I was already focused on being...centered! 

Between the blogging yesterday, and the Zen Tangling in the afternoon, I decided to have a sale in my Etsy shop. I haven't made beads in a while and part of the reason is that I have so many, it doesn't feel good or justified to make more until I get rid of what I have. And I'm not happy with the jewelry I've made most recently (won't even list it!) I wanted to feel unburdened by the fact that they are just sitting here; I wanted to feel free of them so much I was ready to just give them away. So, I am giving a discount of 50% for those buyers who subscribe to my website, and 30% to those who don't want to subscribe (subscribers also get an additional coupon of 15% off, coupons cannot be combined). AND if you spend more than $100.00 I will pay for priority shipping in the USA. Then I got busy checking the inventory, designing a member's email, creating a coupon code (which you will get if you subscribe or just go to my ETSY store for 30%), creating a flyer, posting on the web site, and pinning on Pinterest. I've had some sales but there's still a lot left for you, beads and jewelry!

I'm finding very, very quickly, that when I focus on how I want to feel, my "goals with soul" are attended to automatically. I chose to be creative, eloquent, and compassionate for a day...DAYS ago. And even as I write this, I am satisfied, satiated, that my time has been spent better than, and in accordance with what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to feel....better than ANY other thing I could have decided to do.

I want to invite you to attend an online n with Danielle tomorrow, 12/19/12, at noon PST. It's free, so if you are curious, doubtful, feeling like it, please sign up for the link here.