Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha
Photo: EvolvingWisdom
I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.

Photo: Feng Shui at
The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.
When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.
Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.
Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Of Two Minds

Of Two Minds
When I was a little girl I had a love hate relationship with Sunday. All the best musicals were on T.V. all day long, but there was no one to play with (they were all gone doing fun things with their family, which made me feel I was lacking.) Now I love Sunday. It is the one day of the week where I do not feel stress about things that I should be doing; I get to do whatever I want to do. I still choose good films to watch, usually ones that make me think or feel passionately and deeply.

Today I watched Of Two Minds, which is a visually beautifully constructed documentary about bi-polar disease. Mental illness has found itself a thread in my life in SO many different ways, each one significant and impacting; it always finds me.
What I loved about this film is the relatability of the characters, but mostly the relatability of the illness to anyone’s life. I am not saying that the illness does not afflict in reality, or that it is less significant because we all experience some of the symptoms as they are described by those diagnosed with the illness; I know I cannot full identify with living on a daily basis with the disease, however I feel we have all experienced some of the highs and lows and the devastating consequences of those feelings. I would like people to remember that and have more compassion when it comes to thinking about, or being confronted with, mental illness. I also liked how the move looks at both the perspective of the patient and the support persons.
Photo: on Tumblr
I also finished a necklace yesterday that I wanted to share with you. It was quite a challenge because it is very tightly woven, one bead at a time with needle and thread; the thread kept breaking except for where I used six pound fire line. I recommend only using six pound or heavier strength if you are going to do any tight weaving. It is so much work, I want it to last.
This is a Cellini Spiral technique with a reverse spin at the center. I used dyed coral, and seed beads in sizes 6, 8, and 11, in silver lined crystal, pearled turquoise, coral red, and peridot lined apricot colors. Outside the twist I stranded more dyed coral, natural coral, and brecciated turquoise. You cannot see the extra-large, silver clasp. I will also be making matching earrings.


For the rest of my day I think I will make a soufflé or quiche with roasted asparagus and bacon, and another baklava or maybe some turnovers or cookies with tart cherry paste.

Happy Sunday!