Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha

Photo: EvolvingWisdom

I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.



Photo: Feng Shui at about.com

The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

Photo: Glad.is

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.

 

 

When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.

 

Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers



 

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

Photo: http://withanopenheart.org

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.

Photo: cdnpix.com
 

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.

 

Permission as a Strategy

Courtesy LeonieDawson.com

Something  is calling me today to write about permission. Perhaps it is because I'm focused on giving it to myself.

While doing The Desire Map program by Danille LaPorte I've been focused on what I desire, what I deep down want to feel as a result of whatever it is I do. A lot of how I want to feel is about what I DON'T want to feel, or what I'm avoiding feeling. My remedy is two-fold: 1) identify what I want to feel more of 2) ask myself in any given moment "How do I want to feel?"


Danielle asked "Is your focus on being happy, or is your focus on not being unhappy?" Abraham talks about "vibration", and states, "You can't help but experience contrast, so you can't help but ask...You've got to be a vibrational match to what you're asking for." I find this concept really easy to understand with the statement "Worry is praying for what you don't want."

Courtesy AraParisien.wordpress.com

When my answer to how I want to feel doesn't quite work or results in an answer that does not vibrate with what I want (in other words the answer is about how I do not want to feel), then I recognize that I need to find something that works. Without consciously doing it, I've learned to give myself permission to feel the way I want to feel; I'm just today recognizing the new strategy.


The new strategy is working for me in many areas of my life, especially when I'm not confident. I am spiting my negative feelings. I am giving myself permission to apply for jobs I would love to do though I don't feel "credentialed" for; I have looked more deeply at my qualifying life-experience and have been interviewed. I am giving myself permission to make beads and jewelry because I want to not because I'm trying to make money; I made some really nice beads that gave me, and show in the results my feelings of joy, creativity, and freedom. I'm giving myself permission to have faith that the Universe will provide what I need, when I need it; yesterday someone bought one of my pieces of jewelry without using a discount code!

A song that just occurred to me, Do It (Till Your Satisfied). 

Right now I'm working on a necklace with a new technique for wire work. I've also listed some jewelry I made last week. Making jewelry is not as profitable as making beads (though where is the profit really if I keep everything :) ?), but I gave myself permission to have fun and be creative! Here are some pics of the new jewelry; if you want more details please visit my shop here

(Necklace is not yet listed)

There are Infinte Choices

Img landomisfittoys.blogspot.com

I've been feeling so stuck in indecision. What do I want to do? How do I want to get it done? What do I really love doing? What do I really need to do?  All these questions have one thing deeply in common; they assume that only one choice can be made. Do you get my meaning?

Img rtstockimages.photoshelter.com

I believe it is important to have faith that what I need will be provided. I believe it is important to have gratitude for what has been provided. But there are things that get in the way of my living life according to those beliefs. I get stuck thinking that all my good blessings are going to go away. I get stuck thinking that if I make the wrong decision, that will be "the end." This is a "scarcity" mind set.

Image www.360nobs.com

This unhealthy train of thought runs through so many aspects of my life. It runs through the way I make beads; don't use that "special" glass because they don't make it anymore or they won't have it when I need it or I won't be able to afford more if I run out. It runs through the way I look for work; don't apply for this job because if I get it I won't be able to accept the other job I already applied for. I can't think of one instance that this way of thinking has served me positively.

Img tallhilda.blogspot.com

So, I've been working on getting "unstuck". I've made a couple of declarations this week in my attempt to get out of the desert while I'm on stilts. I'm not sure how helpful the declarations will be, but I KNOW that they will not be the last declarations I ever make. And if declarations are the way to get unstuck, and these don't work, then there are others that can be made.

I have faith that I've been given an opportunity in this moment, and I am grateful for it, and I will make a choice to move forward, now, with full confidence in my abilities. I believe in me!

Img transformnowbutterfly.blogspot.com

I desire abundance! I declare that I have enough, and I want more! I have enough time to do what I want to do. I have enough talent to do what I want to do. I have enough love to give and receive. I have enough money to pay the rent on time, and the rest of the bills late. I have enough sun and water to grow my plants. I have enough bacon to make several sandwiches. I have chips and a huge jar of pickles to go with said sandwich. I have enough cd's to create a disc with a fix for that computer. I have enough drive to do it and enough intelligence and savy to do it. I want more, and I am vibrating at a frequency that matches ALL that is in the vortex, waiting for me!!!!

We Desire Wednesday: Distraction from Self

Gratitude Journal by ILoveItAll

Am I just bored? Sure I want more money, but I have what I need to pay back Peter when I borrow from Paul. I have a beautiful big house in a beautiful big forest on a beautiful big mountain. I have an amazing son who never asks me for more than I can give, and has the most amazing mind and the biggest heart. I have two adorable pooches, and even though one is lame and the other one likes to eat poop, they are still loving. I have talent, tons of talent. I am creative with everything I do, I can write, I can talk, I can think, I can put myself out into the world with (mostly) effortless courage. So why, with all of this, am I questioning what I am supposed to be doing with my life?

Am I really just bored when I think "I have no purpose. I have no direction.  I have no goals."? Well, I don't set goals the way I used to; my goals are to feel the way I want to feel. I feel faithful that the Universe has the plan, and I'm just waiting to see what that is and what I'm supposed to do with it. I know I'm a good advocate, and I'm applying for jobs that will let me shine and advocate for people. I've had a few interviews but no job.

Why we can't live in the moment by Futurity.com

When I think of the comforts I will have to give up so that I can work I feel like I'm losing something, and then I think of the comforts I will gain by having a job, and the joy and satisfaction I will gain, and there is a balance. So I keep going, but not knowing where. When I feel dissatisfied, or puzzled about the current state of my existence, am I really just bored? Am I looking for drama? Am I looking for something to stir me? Am I questioning it because I want to be distracted from being okay with myself and doing the things I love and have the luxury of time to do right now?

Sakura Bloom by Tesori Trovati

I once identified with the fulcrum on a teeter-totter. I'm feeling like that again. I'm sure that's not a coincidence. I have been feeling a need to look back, to learn from myself. I also feel the need to start fresh with The Desire Map. There's a quiet opportunity right now to grow. A seed was planted, and like those I planted in my garden, it is germinating and soon will be visible. Here's to spring, springing upward into life.

But before I go, I have to share this amazing song with you. I saw it for the first time just as I was finishted writing this post.

Lean Forward!

Let me start by saying, "I've really missed you!" I've been busy leaning forward in life, no longer allowing fear of falling to get in my way. The blog title is part of a "mantra" I've been using when I recognize fear getting in the way of my progress in life: "Lean forward; it's a roller coaster, not a cliff!" The Desire Map has made such a big difference in my life, and most days all I have to ask myself is "Mona, how do you want to feel?"

Next, I'd like to say "The medicine profiles the line."  LOL, not my words but the words I need to include in a post in order to qualify for a "pay per post" blogging site. I love writing to you all, but I don't love being broke. So, I thought it was time to start earning some money for all the things I love to do.

Courtesy of EncourageYourSpouse.com

One of the things I love to do is advocate for those in need; and I'm actually really good at it! A friend told me the other day that "I've been doing what it is I've been looking for, all along!" My "advocate" journey began with helping my brother get out of trouble and have a good place to live. Then I advocated for my friend who had a massive stroke which left her disabled. Most recently another friend asked me to advocate for her based on what I'd done for others, and a friend of hers even called me last week asking for advice based on what I'd done. The next thing I knew, about 8 jobs in advocacy became available in my county! Got a call today for an interview!

Sold by MonaRAEbeads.com

I made a custom order of beads, and a couple new beads that I'll show you at another time. I watched a really great film last week called "Naqoyqatsi". It was so impressive that I want to watch it again and then do a separate blog post about it. Spring is definitely here, inspiring me to move, play, and create; but I know we will get at least one more snow (we sure need it here!).

I've been working on my website, MonaRAEbeads.com and learning more about social media monitoring and marketing. If you have not subscribed to my site, please do, and you will receive 15% off my beads. I also have started a Facebook page for MonaRAEbeads. Please stop by and visit.

Idol-ization

Yesterday morning I was catching up on The Mindy Project. Forgive me please, I'm bad at names. In this episode Mindy's partner, the macho-obstinate-lone-wolf-type-doc tries to help Mindy as an "authority" on television (she's invited to do local news medical-minute-type spots). Mindy was chosen for this because she is who she is -- the audience could empathize with her. The helping doc coaches her out of being who she is, and into being "status quo" -- who he thinks she should be. He is well meaning and wants her to succeed but doesn't see  his own issues in the process.

 

We give power and authority to others instead of to our selves; we praise and idolize and desire to be "them" instead of who we are. Danielle LaPorte and Marie Forleo had a great "rapid fire Q & A" and addressed that in a different way. Danielle discusses adulation and how she handles it the same way as she handles criticism: "I just did the best I could do in a given moment". Marie handles adulation by stating that success is a choice, not something she "gave" to her fans -- THEY made the choices and did the work. 

 

Holypoll.com

In my experience, whenever I've been sincere in my admiration, people are turned off. This has been detrimental to becoming a teacher. Why is it so uncomfortable to be admired? Why don't we want to be special? What if we just learned to accept the truth about our differences, greatness, and magnetism? Would we stop complimenting those we give power to? 

 

Letmesay.com

If we idolized our selves, would we start taking credit for what we do? Would we all become more similar in our differences, and not stand out so much? Would the world become a place where we all make a difference to the point that it becomes common place? Isn't that what we want? 

 

If what we want is positive diversity, it is right that we not accept responsibility for the greatness others inappropriately bestowed on us; if we want more great people they must accept that THEY are the great ones.

 

Watching the Pot Boil

latcrossword.blogspot.com

As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).

EffYeahNerdFighters.com

If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid ....my....self....

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody

As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."

TheHeartAttackSymptoms.org

My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid ...my .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?

ExpressNightOut.com

 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO powerful...it scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map

I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress"....it seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.....

and I'm feeling gooooood! What is it about songs that sum up feelings so well?! I hope you don't mind yet another song reference, but these days I am doing what makes me FEEL good.

If you are new to my blog, you've joined me in the infancy of my journey with Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. The Desire map is a book, a program, a way of thinking about the ways of feelings. The premise is that instead of making goals based on the thing we want to achieve, we should make goals that are in line with how we want to feel when we achieve them. As a simple example, you may have set a goal to own a Mercedes Benz because you hope you will look good when you get it; instead make your goal today to do what makes you feel wealthy and admirable. The idea is that your actions today will lead you to the place you need to be, have the things you want, because you do what makes you feel the way you want to feel. The feelings that are the most important to you are your "Core Desired Feelings"; the feelings that drive you to do what you do, the feelings that you want to feel more often.

Danielle's book has a list of 160+ "feelings/desires" to inspire the reader. Today I went through all of them and I highlighted those that resonated with me; I made thoughtful notes when they were especially strong. Then I went over all of them again and put a check next to those I feel I already AM. Then something started to click; when I am thinking about how the desires make me feel, I'm feeling the vibration of the desire and automatically I think "I want to feel more of that or less of that" I'm paying attention to both what I want and do not want, at this point, but when I think about what I want more of, I feel motivated to think about how to get it.

The other day I posted the haloed Buddha picture here, and afterward I added some core desired feelings for the day. Since that time, I've been one very creative, compassionate, and eloquent ball of fire! I've been blogging every day (I feel I've written with eloquence). I've made artistic "posters" and a Zen Tangle that ties into my writing and discoveries, and I've gotten busy with MonaRAEbeads business and sold a LOT of beads!

My first post about the desire map describes a character on the Bravo TV reality show, Shahs of Sunset. I fell in love with Asa, and I described what I admired so much about her. Then I had an AHA moment! I was already those things I admired in her, I needed to acknowledge that those characteristics are already in me. So, I created a poster, which has become my profile picture on Facebook. I love it!

The Desire Map program has an open Facebook page where we can discuss our moments with the program. I posted that I felt goal-less. I had a realization that it was okay, that it didn't mean I lacked ambition, but rather that I get to start with a clean canvas from which to create new goals based on my desires. So I created a poster that celebrates what I am grateful for.

Yesterday I posted my essay poster about being centered. I used the metaphor of a teeter totter to explore my feelings, and how my feelings change. I wrote from a very raw, authentic place, giving the reader a real-time sense of my thought process. Later in that day, I asked myself how I wanted to feel and it was still "creative". I had been wanting to do a Zen Tangle for more than a year, and my son had barely touched his kit that I bought him. So, I turned on the audio book of Desire Map and listened to Danielle read the book to me while I did my very first Zen Tangle. Can you see the teeter totter balanced on the triangular fulcrum? It came through without my intention to draw it, it was just something I was already focused on being...centered! 

Between the blogging yesterday, and the Zen Tangling in the afternoon, I decided to have a sale in my Etsy shop. I haven't made beads in a while and part of the reason is that I have so many, it doesn't feel good or justified to make more until I get rid of what I have. And I'm not happy with the jewelry I've made most recently (won't even list it!) I wanted to feel unburdened by the fact that they are just sitting here; I wanted to feel free of them so much I was ready to just give them away. So, I am giving a discount of 50% for those buyers who subscribe to my website, and 30% to those who don't want to subscribe (subscribers also get an additional coupon of 15% off, coupons cannot be combined). AND if you spend more than $100.00 I will pay for priority shipping in the USA. Then I got busy checking the inventory, designing a member's email, creating a coupon code (which you will get if you subscribe or just go to my ETSY store for 30%), creating a flyer, posting on the web site, and pinning on Pinterest. I've had some sales but there's still a lot left for you, beads and jewelry!

I'm finding very, very quickly, that when I focus on how I want to feel, my "goals with soul" are attended to automatically. I chose to be creative, eloquent, and compassionate for a day...DAYS ago. And even as I write this, I am satisfied, satiated, that my time has been spent better than, and in accordance with what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to feel....better than ANY other thing I could have decided to do.

I want to invite you to attend an online n with Danielle tomorrow, 12/19/12, at noon PST. It's free, so if you are curious, doubtful, feeling like it, please sign up for the link here.

 

Join Me on the Teeter Totter

"But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of
love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but
not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."
—Khalil Gibran

It's raining. It's quiet. It's warm with my coffee and blanket and fire in the wood stove. I'm absorbing The Desire Map, slowly.

In the list of "150+ Positive Feelings" the first significant feeling I highlight is "centered". I FEEL the desire, I hear the word "fulcrum", I see the image of a teeter totter. I am desiring balance. I write.

I would like to invite you to a FREE, online conversation that I will be attending on Wednesday, 12/19/12. It is hosted by Danielle LaPorte (author of The Desire Map) and Eric Handler (co-founder of Positively Positive) both of whom are hottttt!

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR INVITE TO "DESIRE, GOALS, AND SOUL: HOW TO MAKE 2013 YOUR BEST YEAR EVER!"