Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha

Photo: EvolvingWisdom

I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.



Photo: Feng Shui at about.com

The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

Photo: Glad.is

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.

 

 

When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.

 

Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers



 

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

Photo: http://withanopenheart.org

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.

Photo: cdnpix.com
 

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.

 

Permission as a Strategy

Courtesy LeonieDawson.com

Something  is calling me today to write about permission. Perhaps it is because I'm focused on giving it to myself.

While doing The Desire Map program by Danille LaPorte I've been focused on what I desire, what I deep down want to feel as a result of whatever it is I do. A lot of how I want to feel is about what I DON'T want to feel, or what I'm avoiding feeling. My remedy is two-fold: 1) identify what I want to feel more of 2) ask myself in any given moment "How do I want to feel?"


Danielle asked "Is your focus on being happy, or is your focus on not being unhappy?" Abraham talks about "vibration", and states, "You can't help but experience contrast, so you can't help but ask...You've got to be a vibrational match to what you're asking for." I find this concept really easy to understand with the statement "Worry is praying for what you don't want."

Courtesy AraParisien.wordpress.com

When my answer to how I want to feel doesn't quite work or results in an answer that does not vibrate with what I want (in other words the answer is about how I do not want to feel), then I recognize that I need to find something that works. Without consciously doing it, I've learned to give myself permission to feel the way I want to feel; I'm just today recognizing the new strategy.


The new strategy is working for me in many areas of my life, especially when I'm not confident. I am spiting my negative feelings. I am giving myself permission to apply for jobs I would love to do though I don't feel "credentialed" for; I have looked more deeply at my qualifying life-experience and have been interviewed. I am giving myself permission to make beads and jewelry because I want to not because I'm trying to make money; I made some really nice beads that gave me, and show in the results my feelings of joy, creativity, and freedom. I'm giving myself permission to have faith that the Universe will provide what I need, when I need it; yesterday someone bought one of my pieces of jewelry without using a discount code!

A song that just occurred to me, Do It (Till Your Satisfied). 

Right now I'm working on a necklace with a new technique for wire work. I've also listed some jewelry I made last week. Making jewelry is not as profitable as making beads (though where is the profit really if I keep everything :) ?), but I gave myself permission to have fun and be creative! Here are some pics of the new jewelry; if you want more details please visit my shop here

(Necklace is not yet listed)

WeDesire WeDnesday: Desire Map

In December, 2012, I began reading The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. I first noticed Danielle in 2009 when she was writing a blog called White Hot Truth. That title perfectly describes the authenticity with which Danielle speaks. From there she introduced Your Big Beautiful Book Plan, then The Fire Starter Sessions, and now she has gifted the world (sounds mushy I know but the love I feel for her work warrants mushiness!) with The Desire Map.

The Desire Map is a holistic approach to planning your life. It guides you to identify your core desired feelings, and to use those feelings as the drivers of what you want to do, have and experience in your life.

It turns goal-setting inside out.

The Desire Map is a multimedia program. It comes with a PRINTED book (it’s embossed, even!) a downloadable book, audio book, a series of audio contemplations; a private, online Desire Map space; an app, and 12 weeks of weekly inspiration to help people make desire-mapping a true practice.

If you haven't already read my posts about the Desire Map, let me share with you that it is a new way of thinking for me; it is a way of making decisions and "goals with soul". The premise is that we are conditioned to make decisions and goals based on what we think we will feel when we achieve them. The Desire Map makes one aware that they can feel that way right now; it helps me realize that what I think I will feel later, I can feel now, if I make "how I want to feel now" a priority. Instead of waiting to feel whole and complete I can feel that way now and along the way to my goals, by doing the things that make me feel that way.

Here; I'll let Danielle tell you

Friday, May 24, is Danielle's birthday. Her gift to you is a "pay what you can" day for The Desire Map program. With the program you receive a paper copy of the book and access online to the digital download, music play lists, weekly support emails from Danielle, and some other nice goodies. There is even a support group on Facebook that you can check out right now; you don't have to own The Desire Map to join the group (it is a public group) so check it out here. You can also play this audio; it is a reading by Danielle of her introductory chapter of the book!

Don't worry that it's a gimmick (it's not.) Don't worry that you will be obligated to buy more (everything you need is in one package.) Don't worry that what you can pay is not enough (it is.) You know you found this post today for a reason; believe in it.

Wouldn't it feel good to feel good about everything you decide to do? Decide to accept Danielle's gift and get your blessing; pay what you can. CLICK HERE to get your blessing.

Lean Forward!

Let me start by saying, "I've really missed you!" I've been busy leaning forward in life, no longer allowing fear of falling to get in my way. The blog title is part of a "mantra" I've been using when I recognize fear getting in the way of my progress in life: "Lean forward; it's a roller coaster, not a cliff!" The Desire Map has made such a big difference in my life, and most days all I have to ask myself is "Mona, how do you want to feel?"

Next, I'd like to say "The medicine profiles the line."  LOL, not my words but the words I need to include in a post in order to qualify for a "pay per post" blogging site. I love writing to you all, but I don't love being broke. So, I thought it was time to start earning some money for all the things I love to do.

Courtesy of EncourageYourSpouse.com

One of the things I love to do is advocate for those in need; and I'm actually really good at it! A friend told me the other day that "I've been doing what it is I've been looking for, all along!" My "advocate" journey began with helping my brother get out of trouble and have a good place to live. Then I advocated for my friend who had a massive stroke which left her disabled. Most recently another friend asked me to advocate for her based on what I'd done for others, and a friend of hers even called me last week asking for advice based on what I'd done. The next thing I knew, about 8 jobs in advocacy became available in my county! Got a call today for an interview!

Sold by MonaRAEbeads.com

I made a custom order of beads, and a couple new beads that I'll show you at another time. I watched a really great film last week called "Naqoyqatsi". It was so impressive that I want to watch it again and then do a separate blog post about it. Spring is definitely here, inspiring me to move, play, and create; but I know we will get at least one more snow (we sure need it here!).

I've been working on my website, MonaRAEbeads.com and learning more about social media monitoring and marketing. If you have not subscribed to my site, please do, and you will receive 15% off my beads. I also have started a Facebook page for MonaRAEbeads. Please stop by and visit.

Idol-ization

Yesterday morning I was catching up on The Mindy Project. Forgive me please, I'm bad at names. In this episode Mindy's partner, the macho-obstinate-lone-wolf-type-doc tries to help Mindy as an "authority" on television (she's invited to do local news medical-minute-type spots). Mindy was chosen for this because she is who she is -- the audience could empathize with her. The helping doc coaches her out of being who she is, and into being "status quo" -- who he thinks she should be. He is well meaning and wants her to succeed but doesn't see  his own issues in the process.

 

We give power and authority to others instead of to our selves; we praise and idolize and desire to be "them" instead of who we are. Danielle LaPorte and Marie Forleo had a great "rapid fire Q & A" and addressed that in a different way. Danielle discusses adulation and how she handles it the same way as she handles criticism: "I just did the best I could do in a given moment". Marie handles adulation by stating that success is a choice, not something she "gave" to her fans -- THEY made the choices and did the work. 

 

Holypoll.com

In my experience, whenever I've been sincere in my admiration, people are turned off. This has been detrimental to becoming a teacher. Why is it so uncomfortable to be admired? Why don't we want to be special? What if we just learned to accept the truth about our differences, greatness, and magnetism? Would we stop complimenting those we give power to? 

 

Letmesay.com

If we idolized our selves, would we start taking credit for what we do? Would we all become more similar in our differences, and not stand out so much? Would the world become a place where we all make a difference to the point that it becomes common place? Isn't that what we want? 

 

If what we want is positive diversity, it is right that we not accept responsibility for the greatness others inappropriately bestowed on us; if we want more great people they must accept that THEY are the great ones.

 

Tell Me How You REALLLLY Feel

My Core Desired Feelings -- in progress

I've been taking my time with The Desire Map, a program to help you make goals based on how you want to feel when you achieve them (rather than what you want in order to feel the way you want to feel). The shift in my attitude, thinking, and actions has been profound. I find that I have more faith in the Universe to provide what I need, and making decisions is much easier. I have also noticed how alike people are; we often think no one will understand our "situations".

There is an open Face Book group and a Pinterest board for The Desire Map. I wanted to share some of the posts that have touched me, and often that I have identified with.

Melissa Butcher's doggy knows!

Oh, to have the life of a dog....how often have you wished it? There's more to it than your initially realize. When I saw this picture, I realized how much our furry friends really know about how to have a life. The essence of your desire is a feeling...ultimately of love.

Another feeling I often find among Desire Mappers is Powerful, and those feelings related to "Powerful", like the desire to Change the World!  Marie Forleo's business is business. She's offering a way to scholarships in her Amazing online B-School. Desire Mapper Shauna Brandes hopes to earn a scholarship, and change the world of childbirth. She's so empowered with The Desire Map, she (and several others) is leaving her full time job to pursue her dreams and desires!

Desire Mapping in real time!

 
Desire mappers have been getting creative in their lives, whether it's Pinterest or video; here's one of my favorite creators among the Desire Mappers. Lou Niestat chronicled her day trip on the train, with her father, and it is just amazing!!!! She sketches and notates during the action and fills in colorful details afterward in journal style. This day trip is just one of her "musings". Please look at all her work; it's in action, living the life desired.

Realizing the desire to finish a project

Laura Boyd Stadig quilted her Core Desired Feelings into this amazing, hand sewn and painted piece.

Grace Quantock created a photo album that chronicled a singled day with her Desire Map and then blogged about her epiphanies, especially how she "Escaped My To-Do List."


Do lists rule your life?

Centered on the Fulcrum by MonaRAEbeads.com

And I've been creative too! Aside from writing, I've also been zentangling and creating strong image collage/poems. Most significantly, I too want to change the world; I am an Advocate, and a very very good one at that! I downloaded an awesome mind mapping program, The Brain, and I'm doing research and creating a plan to get paid for what I do well. Most recently a friend called on me to advocate for her when she found out she had breast cancer; she's having a double radical mastectomy today. In the process of working on her behalf I discovered a program that the doctors should have known about, figured out how to implement it, and shared my discoveries with the doctors who now are able to offer the program to their own patients. So, I'm getting into action on getting paid for what I do so well.

Oh, and I'm still making beads and jewelry. My birthday necklace is almost ready to show you, and it's amaaaazing!

I'm Queen of the Bongo, Here me When I Come!

I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?

The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.

This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or unconsciously looking to the outside world for what we want.”

One Love Journey

What is wrong with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work; I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other, risk.

Is looking for feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing” and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!

Would I rather give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of self-deprecation.

The two MOST important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”, as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about feeling confidence?

But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!

"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"

 

What are you Hungry for?

I want to create a curriculum for youth and teens through Hungry For Change Mastery Program. I want to use crowd sourcing to fund the curriculum. I want to go to schools, I want to train teachers, I want to create a research study for the effectiveness, I want to see and address obstacles to changing habits and mindset for these age groups.

Awakened at 4:30 a.m., for the 3rd or 4th time tonight, I decided to stay up. I tuned into Netflix and among the choices recommended specifically for me was yet another "food" movie; "Oh well." I decided to numb myself with yet another documentary. So glad I did!

I could worry that all these documentaries I watch continue to inspire me, but in a precarious direction toward too many interests and not enough focus and even less action. Wow, did I just say that? I just defined, literally, what keeps me from feeling satisfied in life: the sense of too much, while craving abundance, and feeling overwhelmed to the point where NOTHING happens. But there is a difference these days; I'm focused on recognizing my feelings...I'm finally looking at myself with the same ease of sight that I have with other people.

AJ Matharu

With others I am empathic; it's almost funny how that thought comes up A LOT in the last few days. With the last paragraph, I now realize that I can be empathic with myself! And THAT is the point of the very end of Hungry for Change: You have to love yourself. So cliche, right? As a matter of fact, so much of this movie is seemingly cliche, but as with all truths in life, they are cliche until they are finally seen as truthful and real. My immediate thought after that realization is, "How much of this did I already know, for how long did I know it, and how different my life could have been if I'd accepted it back then!?!" Then of course, I think of my son and need him to see it now, to avoid the "not knowing" of it, and the lessons that lead us to acceptance of the cliche.

So, my blocks to taking the lessons of Hungry for Change into life's reality, revolve around abundance. I don't have enough money to buy whole foods and vegetables, I don't have a juicer, I don't have enough knowledge to make it work, I don't want to give up carbs like bread, pasta, and cookies, I don't have the discipline, I don't really have the mind set I need if I'm thinking that it takes discipline.

RobotRoom.com

One of the biggest aha moments of the movie, with the deepest meaning, is that the body's response to life is inflammation and protection through the creation of mucus and fat. Another aha moment was the discussion that when we change our mindset of adding to our diet instead of taking away, things occur naturally. Another aha...visualization is the way we communicate with our brain, not with words of language. To sum it up, this movie tells you what you already know, in a way that helps you accept it and desire to implement it because it motivates you to stop doing the damage to yourself, your psyche and ego, that results in more self loathing and more symptoms of it. You ARE your worst critic and enemy, but it doesn't have to be difficult or painful to flip that switch to "forward".

Abundant Goddess Event

So moving forward, I want to feel safe, I want to love myself, I want to feel like there is enough, I want to feel "Plentiful", I want to feel "Abundant", I want to feel "Activated". I think I'll talk to my friend from Real Raw and Rowdy, Amy Elias, about foods and how to keep the carbohydrate foods in a healthy way. I'm also going onto Free Cycle to request a juicer. I'm also going to start a wish list for this spring's garden. I'm also going to do a mind map for my curriculum idea. And, finally, I'm going to see if an idea I have for my website will work.

Today is Sunday, people! Love yourself, as you love your God...you ARE God! Oh, so you want proof? Here it is....

Eskimo Nebula, Universe Today

Yesterday I thought randomly of my friend Jo; I've never met Jo in person but there is a spiritual connection between us that has continued online for about 3 or 4 years. This morning I watched Hungry for Change to immense effect. As soon as I'm done writing about it in this blog, Jo PMs me (it's only 6:30 and the Sun still isn't up). Jo and I talk about her grand daughter, I talked about Hungry for Change as a suggestion for some relief for her grand daughter, and she introduces me to a friend of her's, Linda the HealthAngel weight coach, and would I be interested in checking out a free seminar/program online that her friend is starting today that is all around health and disease resistance/correction through nutrition. How GODLIKE is that?!

So Hum (I am)

Benignly Insane

Here's a picture of my very first Cellini Spiral fashioned into a sparkly necklace for the New Year! I'm ready to make my next one, with more exotic components like seashells, coral, and gemstone chips!

So you know I've been reading The Desire Map, a program written by Danielle LaPorte, instructing the discovery of making Goals with Soul through focus on desires. There are a lot of self-discovery platforms out there right now; that's no surprise as we all seem to be searching for something to replace all the loss we have had in 2012. Yesterday Danielle interviewed Gabrielle Bernstein, author of May Cause Miracles, a step-by-step prescription for adopting a "Mindset of Miracles."

I connected with the "Miracle Response" to "overwhelm", and it inspired me to think about being grateful for things that are inciting me to feel stress.Maybe the reason I feel stress is because of fear for those things, or what they may bring, if I actually desire them; could this thing bring me fame, happiness,success or accomplishment? Am I afraid that achievement forces me to accept that I am worthy and able? If I accept that I am worthy or able, what will I lose, and why am I afraid to lose it?

I'm such a thinker, ain't I?! This morning I watched a documentary called Zeitgeist: Moving Forward. Evidently there is a series of Zeitgeist movies. "Zeitgeist: Moving Forward, by director Peter Joseph, is a feature length documentary work which presents a case for a transition out of the current socioeconomic monetary paradigm which governs the entire world society.

This subject matter transcends the issues of cultural relativism and traditional ideology and moves to relate the core, empirical "life ground" attributes of human and social survival, extrapolating those immutable natural laws into a new sustainable social paradigm called a "Resource-Based Economy"."

It was a difficult movie to watch, both intellectually and emotionally, but I LOVED the ending. Imagine a world without money?What would become "valuable"?  This movies strengthened my desire for self sufficiency and a craving to bring change to my own community toward sustainable living.

The Rusty Chicken on Etsy

And as I went about my day, I was reminded again when I went to the market. On the sidewalk outside, was a gentleman selling his craft out of the back of his truck. His craft was handmade wooden looms. His prices were very good, $50 for a small one and $80 for a large. In his basket he examples of weaving with different fibres, including jute, sisal, and wire. That would definitely be of value in a sustainable, resource-based culture. Resources aren't just what nature provides, but what we do with it, like weaving; our mind is our greatest resource.

LeeLooDallas

On the way home I drove passed a gentleman who was kneeling in a driveway, just kneeling there. My instincts told me to turn around to see if he was okay, and I followed them. By the time I'd come back to where he was, he was walking up the hill, grocery bag in hand; he had just been resting. I rolled down my window and offered to give him a ride. He thanked me but declined, stating he was almost "there." It made me feel good to follow my intuition, to be fearless, to know with absolute certainty that I was safe. Thank you again, Desire Map; so simple to just check into my feelings!

IdiomLive on Wordpress

Speaking of feelings and thinking, I have so many thoughts, and such a desire to share them, and so many ideas, and such a desire to bring them to reality. I am always stopped by the abundance of ideas I have, with old tapes cawing my lack of focus and direction. But ya' know what?! Screw that! I want to keep writing, I want to start a social media marketing/monitoring business, I want to learn more about technology and analysis, I want to be an advocate in the field of education and welfare of all people, I want to find a way for children to build confidence in themselves and see the results in their accomplishments. I want I want I want....I WILL change the world!

Mindy Raff, 2013

Then I started thinking about writing, and how I write about everything, and I need to categorize my subjects, and how I can do that with my website. Then I wonder out of the clear blue, if my mother reads my blog. I decide she doesn't because it probably makes her sad to see me go in so many directions but never get to a profitable destination. Or maybe she does read it but she sees nothing but "crazy". Then I imagine this conversation, "You're so crazy, but you don't see it." Me: "Well, at least my insanity doesn't hurt anyone." Coming back to reality, I laugh out loud and say, "Yeah! I'm benign....benignly insane. (Laughing some more) I WANT to be benignly insane! I want to FEEL benignly insane! I love all the ideas I have and I love my thought process. Yeah, I want to be who I am, benignly insane!"

Have a happy, love filled, creative day!