Being of Service to Judgement

Being of service to judgment is a healing thing, but what does that mean?

I am going to play pool soon, but had to get this out, so just words with this post and no pretty pictures. Maybe you can send me (or post to my Facebook Profile or Page) the images this post brings to your mind.

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend who goes to church EVERY Sunday. We like to joke with each other. I asked him, "Are you going to church tomorrow? Who are you going to pray for?" He responded, "You!" I said, "Ask God to give me presence: for the gifts that have been given, and ease: not to struggle with worry and fear." I think he said his prayers early!

Here it is Sunday morning, before church (I never go.) I am thinking about my waking dream and realizing its meaning. I dreamed that I was arguing with my ex and angry and abandoned to be left alone to deal with the responsibility that is ours. I find myself in a new living situation; a communal type. We are having group discussions after a demonstration of some with musical talent. Along the time I've been there, I've often heard one ask another, "Are you feeling stressed?"; it was even asked of me, and I felt it was a strange question. After the music demonstration, a man came forward with a suggestion for a better sound and demonstrated it to the musician; my response was agreement that it did sound better to me. The musician did not respond in any particular way, however another responded in defense of a perceived insult, and returned with a statement that the one who was being helpful was not qualified to do so. And the "defensiveness" trickled outward, and coalesced into a river of criticism. The original suggester left the room. I spoke out, as an unexpected fork in the stream; a river with the unseen (even to myself) potential to be strong enough to cut more deeply into the substrate than expected.

I said, "I can understand why he left. He is being perceived as judgmental, this makes you uncomfortable, your response is to be defensive. You defend "another" without seeing that the other is not offended, that no one is offended, but rather without looking at your own feelings. You pretend you are helping, without acknowledging the helpful attentions of another because your own voice of discomfort is begging for a response. You are judging him because his helpfulness makes you uncomfortable, NOT because you feel the musician needs defending." And then I took this statement and began reflecting it onto my own action of defending another. I did not intend to come to a defense, but it is what I did. I spoke in the cloak of "protection" and the undergarments of "teaching."

My waking thoughts were, "What am I feeling, really?" Perhaps when I judge myself, or others, I am not acknowledging what I'm really feeling. Am I reacting to a discomfort? When I judge myself it often begins with "should"...I should have been (pick one: smarter, wiser, less trusting, more trusting, better, kinder, generous and the list goes on. I react to this discomfort with words and deeds that deflect from my own self worth...my reaction PUSHES me from being present to what is and letting it be.

My dream is the answer to my prayer. I have learned from my dream, which was so clear and the message was so easy to get, that to be present to the gifts given me is to ask myself, "What I am reacting to? What is it that I will not let 'be'?" And then I asked my dream self, "what was I really trying to say?" The answer was not to ask "Are you feeling stress?", but rather to ask, "How can I be of service to you?" Because, if I really want to be a stream that cuts deep in this world, I need to let my discomfort be a clue to what I am really feeling, to serve my feelings not my judgments, to let them be and then be the river, and provide a surface that is deep enough and strong enough to carry any who need passage. I need to be authentic and sincerely "In SERVICE" of myself and others by letting them be who and where they are (who and where I am) in that moment, just as they are meant to be.

Finding my Buddha

Finding My Buddha

Photo: EvolvingWisdom

I listened to a five minute audio (Entelechy) by Jean Houston Awakening to Your Life's Purpose; the promise was to find the deeper purpose or direction to my life. Immediately I didn’t like her voice; it reminded me of an “evangelist”, manipulating my emotions with the rise and fall, the fast and slow, the soft and urgent tone and cadence. However, I listened to, and followed the exercise for 5 minutes.



Photo: Feng Shui at about.com

The first instruction was to put my hands in front of me, patty-cake style, and imagine my “higher self” on the opposite side. Immediately I saw a figure bigger than my physical self, a golden brown, and the shape of the Buddha. Before being instructed to imagine it, I felt the total and complete love of my higher self; I also immediately realized that I only saw my higher self when I needed it, not as a constant presence. This is very important for me to understand, and the reason listening to Jean’s annoying voice (though some will find it quite soothing) was completely worth doing!

Photo: Glad.is

I would benefit from calling my Buddha self into every moment of my existence, not just when I need it. I should be my higher self at all times. The more I call it into being, the more I become my higher self. I’ve been struggling with “purpose” for at least a year.

 

 

When I started the Desire Map a year ago my biggest issue was not knowing what I wanted, especially what I wanted to “do”. It has been hard for me to describe my calling, rather to KNOW what my purpose is. I am SO diverse, and when I think about finding THE purpose I am struck with the recurring nightmare of being in a chocolate shop and leaving empty handed because I can only have ONE…I must choose one among the many tempting possibilities.

 

Photo: Julia Rutherford Silvers



 

I’m trying to learn that in real-life, I can choose one today and return to the store tomorrow; I need to make the rules, not follow the rules dictated by others. I need to realize I own the store. I am the creator of those chocolates, and the hours of operation, and the rules. This nightmare, and life, and the way I live it, simply and merely human as I am, is all about fear.  Yes, fear.

Photo: http://withanopenheart.org

I have been embracing this word, what it means to my life’s history, and what I want to create with it. My mantra has become, “Fear cannot live in the presence of faith.” I come back to this realization with such ease and it gives me comfort, like that of Pavlov’s dogs, that even though (in the end) they are not rewarded, they are comforted knowing that this is the place they need to be when the bell rings.

Despite the mantra, and its comfort, I struggle daily with feeling ungrounded in purpose. I don’t know if I’m in denial or what it is that keeps me from grasping my purpose as I desire it; perhaps I am resisting what I know and staying in a place of comfortable dis-comfort. I came to this line of thought and questioning yesterday while volunteer bar-tending at the Moose Lodge. SO MANY PEOPLE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM! I was floored by the obviousness of my purpose for presence at that moment, at that place, but stymied as to why I cannot translate what I know about my purpose into every moment of every day of my life. I say I want to advocate, but I also say I don’t know how or that “position” does not exist in a job or an educational program; am I making excuses, refusing to see, or in denial or fear around becoming, practicing, or calling myself an advocate, or REALLY DOING what an advocate does.

Photo: cdnpix.com
 

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity to come to me, and resisting bringing the opportunity to myself. Fear is getting in the way; it appears in the form of arguing with myself in my head and depleting my energy, drive, and faith to just make it happen.

At this point I feel I am running in circles and I need to not try to figure it out…right at this moment.

 

When Strangers Click

When Strangers Click

Yes this is a title of a great documentary; it is also a great discussion in my real life yesterday…and all days.

The documentary describes a film about several peoples’ experience of finding mates on the Internet. It is not, however, your typical story of miraculous and strange love, nor catfish experiences. It is a great film about real relationships. People who find each other by design or accident, and connect on levels that we all have the ability and fortune to connect on but somehow miss the opportunities as they are presenting themselves.



TedX: Vienna is doing a series all about connection! "I share therefore I am"

 I had a great day yesterday, volunteering as a bar tender at the Moose. It happened to be the day of several different birthdays that were celebrated at the lodge. I got to talk with my mom on Skype which I haven’t been able to do in more than a year, and she got to reconnect with a friend she met when she last visited me. What were the chances that that friend would be in town, at the lodge, on that day? The chances were typical if you really, really stay present to what the Universe brings to the table of “the reason we are here.” There is no purpose in life more important than connecting with others, in my opinion.

Lisa Hallow Designs Vintage Remix

One of the birthdays being celebrated came at the end of my day when just before closing a trio came in. One amazing man who looks 30 years younger than he is, his birthday girl friend, and their mutual friend Lisa. Lisa was the connection the Universe presented to me in this moment. A stunning woman who is “full”…of everything! Wearing a G O R G E O U S black blouse that reflected her personality, Lisa is textured, smooth, luxurious, and historically stylish in both look and experience. Lisa has an excellent sense of business, and love of art and jewelry. She’s been designing jewelry almost her whole life and we may get together on a local proposal.

 

Continuing with the theme of connection, have you ever met someone that you instantly connect with? Last night I got to spend time with one of my favorite girlfriends. She’s a bar tender but last night we got to sit together on the customer side. We met 8 years ago when she complimented my jewelry and it has been love ever since. A new friend I met about a month ago, I call him “tickleman” because of his deep, vibrating voice, was also at the club last night…it seems we only go when the other is going (without planning!) I made some new friends there too, both from the Philippines, one a special ed teacher of moderate to severe students; I introduced him to my favorite video on autism by Amanda Baggs. The first part of the video is in her "native" language; then she translates it for us...she's absolutely brilliant....I am humbled.

Last night’s connections may turn out to be significant, and with some don’t seem like “connections” because they are long standing friendships. However, the Universe wants us to know that the “new” does not have to wear off of everything; our perceptions and willingness are the fabric softeners of life, making anything fresh if we chose. So go out with a renewed perception and be willing to see the connections that exist in your life and the new ones you will surely encounter on your intentional journey to connect. Life cannot be lived without your presence…without your connection.

Photo: Whipplehill.net

 

Tell Me How You REALLLLY Feel

My Core Desired Feelings -- in progress

I've been taking my time with The Desire Map, a program to help you make goals based on how you want to feel when you achieve them (rather than what you want in order to feel the way you want to feel). The shift in my attitude, thinking, and actions has been profound. I find that I have more faith in the Universe to provide what I need, and making decisions is much easier. I have also noticed how alike people are; we often think no one will understand our "situations".

There is an open Face Book group and a Pinterest board for The Desire Map. I wanted to share some of the posts that have touched me, and often that I have identified with.

Melissa Butcher's doggy knows!

Oh, to have the life of a dog....how often have you wished it? There's more to it than your initially realize. When I saw this picture, I realized how much our furry friends really know about how to have a life. The essence of your desire is a feeling...ultimately of love.

Another feeling I often find among Desire Mappers is Powerful, and those feelings related to "Powerful", like the desire to Change the World!  Marie Forleo's business is business. She's offering a way to scholarships in her Amazing online B-School. Desire Mapper Shauna Brandes hopes to earn a scholarship, and change the world of childbirth. She's so empowered with The Desire Map, she (and several others) is leaving her full time job to pursue her dreams and desires!

Desire Mapping in real time!

 
Desire mappers have been getting creative in their lives, whether it's Pinterest or video; here's one of my favorite creators among the Desire Mappers. Lou Niestat chronicled her day trip on the train, with her father, and it is just amazing!!!! She sketches and notates during the action and fills in colorful details afterward in journal style. This day trip is just one of her "musings". Please look at all her work; it's in action, living the life desired.

Realizing the desire to finish a project

Laura Boyd Stadig quilted her Core Desired Feelings into this amazing, hand sewn and painted piece.

Grace Quantock created a photo album that chronicled a singled day with her Desire Map and then blogged about her epiphanies, especially how she "Escaped My To-Do List."


Do lists rule your life?

Centered on the Fulcrum by MonaRAEbeads.com

And I've been creative too! Aside from writing, I've also been zentangling and creating strong image collage/poems. Most significantly, I too want to change the world; I am an Advocate, and a very very good one at that! I downloaded an awesome mind mapping program, The Brain, and I'm doing research and creating a plan to get paid for what I do well. Most recently a friend called on me to advocate for her when she found out she had breast cancer; she's having a double radical mastectomy today. In the process of working on her behalf I discovered a program that the doctors should have known about, figured out how to implement it, and shared my discoveries with the doctors who now are able to offer the program to their own patients. So, I'm getting into action on getting paid for what I do so well.

Oh, and I'm still making beads and jewelry. My birthday necklace is almost ready to show you, and it's amaaaazing!

I'm Queen of the Bongo, Here me When I Come!

I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?

The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.

This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or unconsciously looking to the outside world for what we want.”

One Love Journey

What is wrong with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work; I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other, risk.

Is looking for feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing” and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!

Would I rather give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of self-deprecation.

The two MOST important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”, as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about feeling confidence?

But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!

"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"

 

My New Year's Eve Diary

Hello readers,  I think I want to start a new blog that is more directed toward self discovery and separate that from my bead and jewelry and art blog. I finally created a Cellini Spiral and made a gorgeous necklace out of it for New Years. I will take a picture soon and post. Now I've started another one! I'm also going to be doing a reveal for my Memories Bead Soup very soon! In the mean time, here's a diary entry from my New Years Eve festivities!

I watched Dr. Phil yesterday; he talked about asking oneself “What am I serving with this thought/action?” I fell onto The Secret movie this morning; it brings home manifestation of what you want through feelings and visualization and changing attitudes to those of abundance or presence. I see the connection with The Desire Map. I have already realized that the simple thoughts of my desire for feelings manifest very quickly in my life.

I was a little afraid to go out by myself on New Year’s Eve. I wanted to feel “beautiful” and as I was putting on makeup and deciding what to wear, my inner dialogue was saying “not TOO beautiful, not TOO noticeable, not TOO intimidating” and the reply was “I want to be beautiful because I want to be seen, I want to be admired, the “too” is someone else’s judgment, not my own. I desire to be beautiful and seen.” I also reminded myself that I desire community and feeling connected. I was worried that I wouldn’t feel welcomed by people I already knew and that I would not have a desired place to sit at dinner. I also desired to have enough money and not spend more than I had; at the time I thought I had $10.00. I had only $5 and that was all I ended up needing all night long!

When I walked into the lodge, I was immediately greeted by friends, with hugs, and kisses, and compliments on how beautiful I looked. I walked through saying “Happy New Year” and giving hugs. I walked into the dining room because I wanted to greet the wife of a friend; as I looked around I didn’t see anyone else I knew and worried a little about where I would sit and hoped I would receive an invitation. I quickly retreated into the smoking room, and took a breath of relief that no one was there and that I was alone. Then I went back into the dining room where even more had gathered. I saw some friends at a table with seats open and when I got there, there were names reserving the empty seats, however the people already sitting said, no these are open, and invited me to stay; I felt wanted. That feeling lasted the rest of the night. We had a wonderful dinner and took our bottle of champagne with us into the social quarters where they were doing Karaoke. As I looked for a place to sit, I was asked to join the same group I had dinner with. As they pulled out a chair, specifically for me, I felt wanted. I sang from my seat as did my table mates, wanting to hold the microphone, but feeling that I didn’t want to be that noticeable, I remained, content to sing from my seat. I took time to wander and mingle as well. Eventually, I did sing with the microphone, and was a little embarrassed by the surprise and adulation. I had an immensely good time.

After leaving I stopped at the resort lounge on the way home. Some of my favorite people were there, and a drink was bought for me. I got lots of truly beautiful hugs and thoroughly enjoyed people watching; I even danced by myself in the huge crowd. At one point I noticed a gentleman who had been waiting for service a loooooong time; I told the bar tender and she served him right away and he was happy. 

I noticed another friend I hadn’t seen in a long time as he was being served across the bar; I got his attention and toasted the air to him. He came over and gave me a biiiiiig hug. This young man is very different, and very young, and all the compliments he had given me in the past seemed less than genuine, but he STILL gave them this night, and they were truly genuine, and I didn’t feel embarrassed or the need to make excuses; I just accepted them as truth, like a gift, and felt grateful. 

I had been noticing another man; he resembled the Unabomber a little, always wearing his hoodie on his head. He wandered back and forth, sometimes seeming like he wanted my attention; I avoid people, men, who want my attention because I think they only want sex. Toward the end of the evening I noticed this same man, sitting in a chair, looking somewhat in pain. I noticed someone else looking at him as well, but with great caution and fear more than concern. I walked over to the young man whose hood was over his head and his head was buried in his arms, like a shield from things he did not want to see or hear. I just asked him if he was going to be okay, and did he have someone who would take care of him. He looked up and said, “Thank you SO much for asking; you have no idea how that makes me feel, you have no idea how important to me it is.” I hugged him tightly, and looked authentically into his face, grateful but wordless for the acknowledgement. I touched his cheek, and was amazed at how soft his skin was and how contradictory that softness was to his appearance. I asked him if he had people in the bar that he was with or was he alone; he assured me he was not alone so I felt that he was safe. I told the bartender to watch out for him and keep others away from him that might do him harm; she understood completely and perfectly and with great intention promised her guard. 

Earlier there was a woman, about 15 years older than myself, and as she went to the bar to order she was singing and dancing. I saw her again, dancing her heart out. When the band was done for the night I was leaving, and this woman was helping the band load their equipment into the van outside. From a 20 foot distance I stopped, turned around, pointed at her, and yelled, “Woman, you ROCK!” She was floored, and so incredibly grateful, and said, “You have no idea what that means to me. Thank you sister.” And I went toward her, hugged her tightly, thanked her for the opportunity to let her know, and thanked her for acknowledging how much I meant to her. I felt so good, so joyous, so loving and so loved.

That day I had talked about advocacy as a core desire, but struggled with a single word for the “feeling” of advocacy. I manifested within myself the response of advocacy where ever I went that evening. I manifested beauty, love, community, and connection. I felt love and joy and graciousness. I felt sooooo good.

I noticed last week or so that I could identify characteristics that I was not already, and realized that I needed to focus on feelings that I want MORE of, not that I want to create from scratch. I need to look at what I already feel and desire more of it, rather than what I lack. It isn’t about finding the perfect word, it’s about finding the perfect feeling and describing it with words and then declaring that I want more of that feeling and then visualizing that in my world and what the world looks like with me in it “that way.”

Watching the Pot Boil

latcrossword.blogspot.com

As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).

EffYeahNerdFighters.com

If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid ....my....self....

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody

As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."

TheHeartAttackSymptoms.org

My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid ...my .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?

ExpressNightOut.com

 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO powerful...it scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map

I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress"....it seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.