Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My New Year's Eve Diary

Hello readers,  I think I want to start a new blog that is more directed toward self discovery and separate that from my bead and jewelry and art blog. I finally created a Cellini Spiral and made a gorgeous necklace out of it for New Years. I will take a picture soon and post. Now I've started another one! I'm also going to be doing a reveal for my Memories Bead Soup very soon! In the mean time, here's a diary entry from my New Years Eve festivities!

I watched Dr. Phil yesterday; he talked about asking oneself “What am I serving with this thought/action?” I fell onto The Secret movie this morning; it brings home manifestation of what you want through feelings and visualization and changing attitudes to those of abundance or presence. I see the connection with The Desire Map. I have already realized that the simple thoughts of my desire for feelings manifest very quickly in my life.

I was a little afraid to go out by myself on New Year’s Eve. I wanted to feel “beautiful” and as I was putting on makeup and deciding what to wear, my inner dialogue was saying “not TOO beautiful, not TOO noticeable, not TOO intimidating” and the reply was “I want to be beautiful because I want to be seen, I want to be admired, the “too” is someone else’s judgment, not my own. I desire to be beautiful and seen.” I also reminded myself that I desire community and feeling connected. I was worried that I wouldn’t feel welcomed by people I already knew and that I would not have a desired place to sit at dinner. I also desired to have enough money and not spend more than I had; at the time I thought I had $10.00. I had only $5 and that was all I ended up needing all night long!

When I walked into the lodge, I was immediately greeted by friends, with hugs, and kisses, and compliments on how beautiful I looked. I walked through saying “Happy New Year” and giving hugs. I walked into the dining room because I wanted to greet the wife of a friend; as I looked around I didn’t see anyone else I knew and worried a little about where I would sit and hoped I would receive an invitation. I quickly retreated into the smoking room, and took a breath of relief that no one was there and that I was alone. Then I went back into the dining room where even more had gathered. I saw some friends at a table with seats open and when I got there, there were names reserving the empty seats, however the people already sitting said, no these are open, and invited me to stay; I felt wanted. That feeling lasted the rest of the night. We had a wonderful dinner and took our bottle of champagne with us into the social quarters where they were doing Karaoke. As I looked for a place to sit, I was asked to join the same group I had dinner with. As they pulled out a chair, specifically for me, I felt wanted. I sang from my seat as did my table mates, wanting to hold the microphone, but feeling that I didn’t want to be that noticeable, I remained, content to sing from my seat. I took time to wander and mingle as well. Eventually, I did sing with the microphone, and was a little embarrassed by the surprise and adulation. I had an immensely good time.

After leaving I stopped at the resort lounge on the way home. Some of my favorite people were there, and a drink was bought for me. I got lots of truly beautiful hugs and thoroughly enjoyed people watching; I even danced by myself in the huge crowd. At one point I noticed a gentleman who had been waiting for service a loooooong time; I told the bar tender and she served him right away and he was happy. 

I noticed another friend I hadn’t seen in a long time as he was being served across the bar; I got his attention and toasted the air to him. He came over and gave me a biiiiiig hug. This young man is very different, and very young, and all the compliments he had given me in the past seemed less than genuine, but he STILL gave them this night, and they were truly genuine, and I didn’t feel embarrassed or the need to make excuses; I just accepted them as truth, like a gift, and felt grateful. 

I had been noticing another man; he resembled the Unabomber a little, always wearing his hoodie on his head. He wandered back and forth, sometimes seeming like he wanted my attention; I avoid people, men, who want my attention because I think they only want sex. Toward the end of the evening I noticed this same man, sitting in a chair, looking somewhat in pain. I noticed someone else looking at him as well, but with great caution and fear more than concern. I walked over to the young man whose hood was over his head and his head was buried in his arms, like a shield from things he did not want to see or hear. I just asked him if he was going to be okay, and did he have someone who would take care of him. He looked up and said, “Thank you SO much for asking; you have no idea how that makes me feel, you have no idea how important to me it is.” I hugged him tightly, and looked authentically into his face, grateful but wordless for the acknowledgement. I touched his cheek, and was amazed at how soft his skin was and how contradictory that softness was to his appearance. I asked him if he had people in the bar that he was with or was he alone; he assured me he was not alone so I felt that he was safe. I told the bartender to watch out for him and keep others away from him that might do him harm; she understood completely and perfectly and with great intention promised her guard. 

Earlier there was a woman, about 15 years older than myself, and as she went to the bar to order she was singing and dancing. I saw her again, dancing her heart out. When the band was done for the night I was leaving, and this woman was helping the band load their equipment into the van outside. From a 20 foot distance I stopped, turned around, pointed at her, and yelled, “Woman, you ROCK!” She was floored, and so incredibly grateful, and said, “You have no idea what that means to me. Thank you sister.” And I went toward her, hugged her tightly, thanked her for the opportunity to let her know, and thanked her for acknowledging how much I meant to her. I felt so good, so joyous, so loving and so loved.

That day I had talked about advocacy as a core desire, but struggled with a single word for the “feeling” of advocacy. I manifested within myself the response of advocacy where ever I went that evening. I manifested beauty, love, community, and connection. I felt love and joy and graciousness. I felt sooooo good.

I noticed last week or so that I could identify characteristics that I was not already, and realized that I needed to focus on feelings that I want MORE of, not that I want to create from scratch. I need to look at what I already feel and desire more of it, rather than what I lack. It isn’t about finding the perfect word, it’s about finding the perfect feeling and describing it with words and then declaring that I want more of that feeling and then visualizing that in my world and what the world looks like with me in it “that way.”

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!