Sunday, January 27, 2013

I'm Queen of the Bongo, Here me When I Come!

I guess it has been a week or so; that's a really long time after posting almost daily! I've been beading; I'm working on this ammonite and creating a Cellini Spiral as a component. I bought it at the Bay Area Bead Expo; I've been wanting to post about my trip there...soon I promise! I love the bed of "coral"; do you?

The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.

This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or unconsciously looking to the outside world for what we want.”

What is wrong with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work; I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other, risk.

Is looking for feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing” and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!

Would I rather give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of self-deprecation.
The two MOST important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”, as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about feeling confidence?

But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!
"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"


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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!