The impetus for my daily blogging was Danielle' LaPorte's The Desire Map, a program that is helping me set "Goals with Soul". I have been taking it slowly, going at my own pace, and not feeling pressured to "finish" or "catch up" and I'm not looking for a "miracle cure." I can't remember ever proceeding on a project in this way, and I'm LOVING the quality results with my pace and process.
This morning I decided to take the next step in the workbook, and look at my "long list" of Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): Lucrative, Prevalent, Enlightening, Unlimited, Luxurious, Nourished, Spectacular, Incomparable, and Flowing. I'm now looking for what is really behind wanting to feel these ways, and for feelings that overlap in all areas of my life. During this specific process Danielle notes,“But
let me point out something about the subtle but powerful way in which words
can orient our energy. They can steer us to look outward, or they can anchor us
to look inward, so we’re consciously looking to our inner power, or
unconsciously looking to the
outside world for what we want.”
What is wrong
with looking outside for what I want to feel? I want to be in a world that I
create; in the same time I want situations that permit me to create, I want
situations that GIVE to my being. Yes, creating the world means I look inward
to create the feelings I want, but that feels like work….I don’t want to work;
I want to produce. I want to be in environments that are conducive to my
production. I want to be able to distinguish the environment as conducive, or
not, by the way I feel. If the environment makes me feel nourished, I feel safe
in that environment. Yes, when a feeling is dependent on the outside, there is
the risk that feeling will go, be taken, away; “fearless” means that I feel
safe and faithful inside, enough that I don’t even consider that, or any other,
risk.
Is looking for
feelings that are dependent solely on my internally-realized desires another way of “doing”
and “giving”? What does the world look like when I am responsible for the
realization of all my feelings? Shouldn’t it be a simple choice, “I want to
feel nourishing; pooof! I’m nourishing”? Even if it’s not that simple, what
does the world look like when I’m nourished vs. nourishing? I want to feel
nourished means someone else cares about me enough to see my needs; it’s about
receiving love from the outside. I want to feel nourishing means I care enough
about myself and others to give love from the inside; does loving myself
include the desire for others to show they love me, to receive from the
outside? What is receiving love REALLY about? When someone cares enough to give
to me, they are approving of me; I am enough, I am good, I can trust, I will
feel safe. Aye, there’s the rub!
Would I rather
give or receive? If I give, I don’t rely on others for love. But that leaves me
feeling like I must be satisfied with receiving love from myself; my arm is
tired of patting my own back. I don’t feel loved by giving to myself, I feel
loving. When I don’t’ feel loved, resentment builds and then I look to myself
for why I don’t feel loved, and that starts the vicious cycle of
self-deprecation.
The two MOST
important questions, the ones that work best for me, are, “What would my life
be like?” and “What is it REALLY about for me?” As I go through the long list
of CDFs, and write the “real” feelings my core desires around these words, I
notice that I can often say “I want to BE”; this is so antithetic to “confident”,
as if I am not already these things….maybe I’m not….maybe it is ALL about
feeling confidence?
But I DO have confidence. Sometimes it fails me, and when it does I'll remember I'm the Queen of Bongo!
"Bangin' on my bongo all that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"
I'm so happy there's nobody in my place instead of me"
