Watching the Pot Boil

latcrossword.blogspot.com

As many bloggers know, as they watch to see if their subscriber numbers have increased (like a watched pot of water...will it boil?!), It's so nice, when someone acknowledges my presence, as happened today. I received such a nice compliment on yesterday's post, how the person identified so deeply with what I had written, thanking me for the palpable experience. I had to go back and read again, because I'd forgotten what I had written (or was I just so in shock at being noticed and so affective?! Affect v. Effect = emotion v. consequence).

EffYeahNerdFighters.com

If I can't remember what I wrote, why did I write it? Why do any of us publish what we write? I want to be noticed. But I didn't remember what I'd written, even though I was successful in getting noticed; does WHAT I write really matter? I think it does, because I'm motivated to write by moments I find very poignant; they seem so important to me at that time, that I must share them. But is it the words that I must share, or is it the feeling they give me, or is it amazement, or is it self-importance begging for attaboys? Or maybe, I just write them to avoid feeling them, the words to be stored perhaps to be read another day, digested and vomited another time, or not. Or maybe I'm questioning all these feelings to avoid the confirmation that my words and thoughts ARE important, they ARE read, they DO have an effect on others. Perhaps my questioning is all a way for me to avoid ....my....self....

Anatomy of a Tear, Mona Rae Baroody

As I read yesterday's post again, I was stopped by these words "I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted."

TheHeartAttackSymptoms.org

My heart squeezed so tight, my sinuses clamped, my eyes hot and swelling, I slam one hand over my chest and the other over my mouth, as I struggle to breathe without crying, or continue living without breathing. Why do I want what I want? Why do I say "I want"? When I get it, why does my heart hurt soooooooo much? Perhaps if I continue to ask "why" I can continue to avoid ...my .....self

Today I felt love. Today I felt important. Today I felt connected. At this moment of outpouring I feel vulnerable, yet I also feel COMPLETELY safe. I have received, and survived it today. I am grateful for the connection of another, I am proud to give what they received, I am accepted as not so different after all. All that feels good, but what is it that causes this pain; could it be that I'm afraid of being what I already am? Could it be that I continue to reject exactly what I asked for when it is so freely, loving, and generously given? Is it that I STILL don't think I'm worthy of it? Is it humility?

ExpressNightOut.com

 What will it take to love my self? What will happen that motivates me rejoice in my greatness? I am SO powerful...it scares me.

 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Whatya' Hiding Under There?

The Desire Map

I just read an amazing post on our Desire Map Facebook Group (it's open so come see what we're discovering!) A gal is talking about how she's been "hiding behind being the 'sweet, nice girl'" and "how good it feels to roar". The feelings she had been hiding were "wild and free and divinely feminine" (so she bought herself stripping class!). Her friends recently gifted her (prior to this self discovery) "stilettos, sexy underwear, makeup and a black dress"....it seems her friends could see what she was hiding!

This got me thinking, when someone is doing methamphetamines they think they are hiding it, but it's really obvious to those of us who aren't under the influence. But that's an extreme, isn't it? In the case of the "wild and divinely feminine gal", it doesn't seem extreme but her friends saw through it all along. So, this begs the question, "What have I been hiding?"

When asked, "If you could have one wish" I always respond, "to see myself through the eyes of others." If I look at what I've been hiding, will I be able to see myself through the eyes of others? Will I be able to grant my own wish?

I don't want people to know how smart I am, because I don't want them to see me as arrogant, I don't want them to see me as trying to be right, I don't want them to feel intimidated. If I hide my intelligence enough I might be rewarded with intelligent conversation, and (more importantly) connection.

I don't want people to know how different I am, because I don't want to feel alone, I don't want them to be repelled from me. If I hide my "weirdness" enough I will be rewarded with friendship and socialization.

I don't want people to know how afraid I am, because I don't want my fear to keep me from being included, because I don't want my fear to invite others to quell or counsel me (because I know they will not understand what it is I fear), because I don't want to take their energy from them. If I hide my fear, I am rewarded with my own delusion that others perceive me as courageous and energetic and self reliant.

There is a HUGE downside to this ruse and reward; people who perceive me as self reliant do not offer empathy, do not think I may be in need, do not think I need an invitation. And those are the things, or lack thereof, that make me most lonely, most sad; I make their lack mean that I am not worthy and that they are not worthy of the wonder that I am. My ruse around fear is a vicious, self-fulfilling thing.

I want to feel safe, I want to feel love, I want to feel worth, I want to be vulnerable to feel need and reliance. I want to feel connected and related. I want to feel comfortable with receiving; I want to feel grateful. I want to feel pride without vanity. I want to feel like I am me, openly. I want to feel accepted.

I am accepted. I want to accept THAT. I bet they want me to accept that too. I bet all those people who see the me I've been hiding, wish I would see that the ALL that I am is whole, complete, loving, giving, nurturing, vulnerable, courageous, intelligent, powerful and worthy of connection and love and empathy. I know I haven't thanked you for knowing ALL that I am....thank you for waiting for me to say it, thank you for waiting for me to see it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.....

and I'm feeling gooooood! What is it about songs that sum up feelings so well?! I hope you don't mind yet another song reference, but these days I am doing what makes me FEEL good.

If you are new to my blog, you've joined me in the infancy of my journey with Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. The Desire map is a book, a program, a way of thinking about the ways of feelings. The premise is that instead of making goals based on the thing we want to achieve, we should make goals that are in line with how we want to feel when we achieve them. As a simple example, you may have set a goal to own a Mercedes Benz because you hope you will look good when you get it; instead make your goal today to do what makes you feel wealthy and admirable. The idea is that your actions today will lead you to the place you need to be, have the things you want, because you do what makes you feel the way you want to feel. The feelings that are the most important to you are your "Core Desired Feelings"; the feelings that drive you to do what you do, the feelings that you want to feel more often.

Danielle's book has a list of 160+ "feelings/desires" to inspire the reader. Today I went through all of them and I highlighted those that resonated with me; I made thoughtful notes when they were especially strong. Then I went over all of them again and put a check next to those I feel I already AM. Then something started to click; when I am thinking about how the desires make me feel, I'm feeling the vibration of the desire and automatically I think "I want to feel more of that or less of that" I'm paying attention to both what I want and do not want, at this point, but when I think about what I want more of, I feel motivated to think about how to get it.

The other day I posted the haloed Buddha picture here, and afterward I added some core desired feelings for the day. Since that time, I've been one very creative, compassionate, and eloquent ball of fire! I've been blogging every day (I feel I've written with eloquence). I've made artistic "posters" and a Zen Tangle that ties into my writing and discoveries, and I've gotten busy with MonaRAEbeads business and sold a LOT of beads!

My first post about the desire map describes a character on the Bravo TV reality show, Shahs of Sunset. I fell in love with Asa, and I described what I admired so much about her. Then I had an AHA moment! I was already those things I admired in her, I needed to acknowledge that those characteristics are already in me. So, I created a poster, which has become my profile picture on Facebook. I love it!

The Desire Map program has an open Facebook page where we can discuss our moments with the program. I posted that I felt goal-less. I had a realization that it was okay, that it didn't mean I lacked ambition, but rather that I get to start with a clean canvas from which to create new goals based on my desires. So I created a poster that celebrates what I am grateful for.

Yesterday I posted my essay poster about being centered. I used the metaphor of a teeter totter to explore my feelings, and how my feelings change. I wrote from a very raw, authentic place, giving the reader a real-time sense of my thought process. Later in that day, I asked myself how I wanted to feel and it was still "creative". I had been wanting to do a Zen Tangle for more than a year, and my son had barely touched his kit that I bought him. So, I turned on the audio book of Desire Map and listened to Danielle read the book to me while I did my very first Zen Tangle. Can you see the teeter totter balanced on the triangular fulcrum? It came through without my intention to draw it, it was just something I was already focused on being...centered! 

Between the blogging yesterday, and the Zen Tangling in the afternoon, I decided to have a sale in my Etsy shop. I haven't made beads in a while and part of the reason is that I have so many, it doesn't feel good or justified to make more until I get rid of what I have. And I'm not happy with the jewelry I've made most recently (won't even list it!) I wanted to feel unburdened by the fact that they are just sitting here; I wanted to feel free of them so much I was ready to just give them away. So, I am giving a discount of 50% for those buyers who subscribe to my website, and 30% to those who don't want to subscribe (subscribers also get an additional coupon of 15% off, coupons cannot be combined). AND if you spend more than $100.00 I will pay for priority shipping in the USA. Then I got busy checking the inventory, designing a member's email, creating a coupon code (which you will get if you subscribe or just go to my ETSY store for 30%), creating a flyer, posting on the web site, and pinning on Pinterest. I've had some sales but there's still a lot left for you, beads and jewelry!

I'm finding very, very quickly, that when I focus on how I want to feel, my "goals with soul" are attended to automatically. I chose to be creative, eloquent, and compassionate for a day...DAYS ago. And even as I write this, I am satisfied, satiated, that my time has been spent better than, and in accordance with what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to feel....better than ANY other thing I could have decided to do.

I want to invite you to attend an online n with Danielle tomorrow, 12/19/12, at noon PST. It's free, so if you are curious, doubtful, feeling like it, please sign up for the link here.

 

Join Me on the Teeter Totter

"But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of
love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but
not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."
—Khalil Gibran

It's raining. It's quiet. It's warm with my coffee and blanket and fire in the wood stove. I'm absorbing The Desire Map, slowly.

In the list of "150+ Positive Feelings" the first significant feeling I highlight is "centered". I FEEL the desire, I hear the word "fulcrum", I see the image of a teeter totter. I am desiring balance. I write.

I would like to invite you to a FREE, online conversation that I will be attending on Wednesday, 12/19/12. It is hosted by Danielle LaPorte (author of The Desire Map) and Eric Handler (co-founder of Positively Positive) both of whom are hottttt!

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR INVITE TO "DESIRE, GOALS, AND SOUL: HOW TO MAKE 2013 YOUR BEST YEAR EVER!"

Do You Feel Like I Do?

It has been a long week with four days of substituting. Last week I left the classroom feeling frustrated because I just didn’t feel like I communicated, and as a result my students didn’t “get it.” I began reading the “DesireMap” after that experience, and much has transformed simply as a result of asking myself, at any given moment, “How do I want to FEEL?”

On the morning drive to my first day of teaching this week, I declared that I wanted to feel calm and patient. The student I have the most trouble with must have declared feeling “focused”, because we “got it” together and tears actually welled up in my eyes. I’ve had many successes before, but this was different; I’ve never FELT such overwhelming happiness for my students before.

I’ve felt like writing at many moments this week, but have been too busy and exhausted; last night I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept for 10 hours! This morning I watched Shahs of Sunset (a reality show about a group of Persian people in Hollywood…can’t help this guilty pleasure, it’s the voyeur in me!) for the first time. There is one character who I fell in love with and wanted to be more outwardly like her, because she reflects the parts of me I suppress. She’s beautiful, exotic, and brave. She wears cultural clothes and jewelry and makeup. She’s artistic and expresses her soul both on the canvas and music. She’s fun. She’s adored. She’s unaffected by the greatness that she is, and the greatness others openly express that they see and admire in her. Wow, I AM her. 

Can you guess who I'm in love with?

 “You are not chasing the goal…you are chasing the feelings that you hope attaining those goals will give you.” Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map. I feel rather goal-less; I think I am wallowing in that feeling rather than looking to see if it is true.

Am I living life with a goal in mind? I make glass beads, but not as often as I want, and when I do, I don’t have the same confidence I used to. Have I really lost interest in the art, or have I become too critical of my abilities? More importantly, what is the feeling I am hoping it will give me?

I am a substitute teacher in special education. I went to school for my credential, received it, but have not been hired as a teacher on a full time basis; but why do I want to do that? I know if I get hired I will feel valued, and I will feel that I have a career, making my parents proud. I have forever felt that I am a failure, not finding a traditional way in life to give me financial freedom and responsibility; if I had this “job” would I feel “worthy”?

I am not as passionate about being in a classroom on a regular basis as I am passionate about advocating for students, their caregivers, and their teachers in the special education setting. I REALLY want to make a difference on a much bigger scale than meeting curriculum goals; I want to inform people of their rights, help them create tools, give them mechanisms that will enable them to be academically and socially and personally capable of meeting the educational demands placed on them. For some reason, should that be my goal, I cannot define the “feeling” I hope that will give me; is it fame, fortune, acceptance, importance, pride, worth, all of the above?

Thanks for the guitar Grandma and Mom!

I have been struggling with this search for self for the last 12 years. This week my son turned 16; I am giving him the gift of not having the same pain during his own search. On his birthday morning we went early for Starbucks’ free birthday coffee, and we had an amazing conversation about what is important, what is happy, what drives our goals, and how do we make choices. My son is amazing, and ahead of the game. His thought process is clear, mature, and he is confident. I have always had a hard time accepting the compliments others have given to me for the beauty that my son authentically is; today I own that I have had a great part in allowing him to become who he is meant to be.

I just get stuck there, in that space of knowing that if I never do anything else in life before I die, I have done the most important thing anyone can ever do. I hope my mother feels the same.

With much love for all of you readers, have a good day, and do what you want to feel!

Whose Reality?

Almost 49 years of life and love. Love? Really?

When I was a little girl, love was The Brady Bunch, The  Partridge Family, and Father Knows Best. When I was a pre-teen love was Shirley Temple, Dorris Day, Dean Martin, Judy Garland, and Elvis on Sunday. When I was a teen-ager love was Judy Blume, Soul Train, and American Band Stand. When I was in High School love was sad and lonely; it was unrequited Bobby Balentine, and requited Bruce Hammer, until..... Until Jennifer Matthews became the first friend in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, and belief. And Bruce became the first love in a string of many to betray my trust, loyalty, friendship, belief and heart.

Tamra Dozier

At almost-49 I look at the patterns of love in my life. Every boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me with someone close to me, except one, who cheated on me with his own selfishness. It has cost me much in my life: a timely education, a potential for career to be fulfilled, a natural child birth.

At almost-49 I look at what I believe about love and realize the price I have refused to pay: I refuse to become jaded and have refused to pay with my belief that love is real. At almost-49 I continue to choose love; I continue to grow.

I still believe in the media and literary love, at almost-49. I still believe that my heart has a mate, somewhere. I believe in love, and love believes in me. My love is waiting for me to believe in me.

Brooke Fraser

At almost-49 I believe I am a good friend, a good citizen, a good mother...I AM good. I'm not "trying" to be, I AM. I look at the patterns of love in my life and I see growth, and I see perseverance, and I wonder what more there is to learn. What is left to learn? Is it to "get real"? Maybe. And maybe reality is not something we discuss, or learn, but something we "know".

What is reality? Is it not trusting? Is it not believing? Is it guarding one's self from pain? Is reality that state in which one lowers expectations to what might be possible when all else seems impossible? It is not in my nature to expect less. I can not expect less loyalty, less honesty, less selfLESSness, of myself or of others. I cannot give up on others, I cannot give up on my self.

I must continue to learn...until I know, without thinking, that I AM love. I wonder how long I get to live when I know that I AM love? I can't yet imagine what other lesson there is to learn after that; they haven't made a Sunday Musical Movie or Sit-Com about it yet.... Or have they!?