Conversations about my favorite beads and lampwork bead makers, jewelry artists, indie and documentary films, gardening, food, Isaac Newton, Pinterest, and The Desire Map, all part of my continuing journey to become a better bead artist and super human being.
Am I just bored? Sure I want more money, but I have what I need to pay back Peter when I borrow from Paul. I have a beautiful big house in a beautiful big forest on a beautiful big mountain. I have an amazing son who never asks me for more than I can give, and has the most amazing mind and the biggest heart. I have two adorable pooches, and even though one is lame and the other one likes to eat poop, they are still loving. I have talent, tons of talent. I am creative with everything I do, I can write, I can talk, I can think, I can put myself out into the world with (mostly) effortless courage. So why, with all of this, am I questioning what I am supposed to be doing with my life?
Am I really just bored when I think "I have no purpose. I have no direction. I have no goals."? Well, I don't set goals the way I used to; my goals are to feel the way I want to feel. I feel faithful that the Universe has the plan, and I'm just waiting to see what that is and what I'm supposed to do with it. I know I'm a good advocate, and I'm applying for jobs that will let me shine and advocate for people. I've had a few interviews but no job.
When I think of the comforts I will have to give up so that I can work I feel like I'm losing something, and then I think of the comforts I will gain by having a job, and the joy and satisfaction I will gain, and there is a balance. So I keep going, but not knowing where. When I feel dissatisfied, or puzzled about the current state of my existence, am I really just bored? Am I looking for drama? Am I looking for something to stir me? Am I questioning it because I want to be distracted from being okay with myself and doing the things I love and have the luxury of time to do right now?
I once identified with the fulcrum on a teeter-totter. I'm feeling like that again. I'm sure that's not a coincidence. I have been feeling a need to look back, to learn from myself. I also feel the need to start fresh with The Desire Map. There's a quiet opportunity right now to grow. A seed was planted, and like those I planted in my garden, it is germinating and soon will be visible. Here's to spring, springing upward into life.
But before I go, I have to share this amazing song with you. I saw it for the first time just as I was finishted writing this post.
