The Gap Between Thoughts: I am a Stone Mason

Courtesy of EnlightenYourself101

Today it was very difficult to meditate. "I forgive; I release; I let go of anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good."

This meditation began with an explanation, and an answering of the questions I had yesterday: Do we know how much of the past really holds us? Do we really know all our stories? How did they set the trajectory for our life? Our ability to love ourselves or others? Does reframing really set us free to make new choices to improve the future? How do I allow the past to interfere with the present?

Courtesy of the Chopra Center

David Simon, Free to Love Free to Heal, states that every heart has the capacity to forgive. Are there people you can’t forgive? Are there things that are unforgivable? We believe resentment effects the offender. Their choices reflect the story that they’ve been living. 


We should recognize our own capacity to cause harm to another. Forgiveness releases judgment. Attention is the energy that feeds growth or regression.

Courtesy of Primer Magazine

So, how do I truly forgive and release anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good? I suppose first I have to know who and what those blocks are, but I've done so well all this time not acknowledging these blocks, not giving them power ... or have I? Have I really just been storing them away, holding on to them for some proverbial rainy day; this rainy day? Am I afraid of waking the demons and living without them? Have I made them that much of who I am? Who am I if I believe they are essential to my being?

Start Anywhere

This seems all too much to really understand. I'll just start. My grandmother was a hateful woman. Long before her death I decided to eliminate her from my life. I decided to no longer try to please her or get her approval. I decided to no longer be emotionally abused by her. The one thing that helped me know it was the right thing for me to do, and I'll never forget this, was the answer to the question, "If she dies alone will I regret not being there?" My answer was easily, "No." I knew I was ready to separate myself from her completely; but did I forgive her? I don't think so, because in describing her to anyone, I easily say she was a hateful woman, and in saying it I never fear the wrath of God for lacking understanding; I have simply felt as if I was simply stating a fact.

Reassess

So how has holding onto "the facts" served me? Have I really let go if I have not forgiven? Holding on to the facts has allowed me to ignore the possibility that we really can't kill off people and experiences; we can't unring the bell and we can't completely lose awareness of its ring (or can we? I've often felt there are early childhood experiences that I've completely erased). Trying to sort this out seems so overwhelming and circuitous.

Try Again

Okay, so to Omi, I forgive you. For some reason I do not need to understand, you operated in the capacity of the story you were living. You did not have the capacity to make choices that did not involve hurting me. You did not have the capacity, 

you did not know, 

you did not, 

you were incapable of making choices that could not, 

would not, 

you could not conceive of ways not to, 

you chose to, 

you only knew how to make choices to, 

hurt me. 

You were hurtful. 

Reasses

Am I now released, have I truly let go? No, I guess I have to say, "I forgive you", but to really mean that I need to understand that forgiveness is not something I am giving her, it is something I am giving myself. So much easier said than done.

Try Again

I forgive you Omi, for being hateful, for being hurtful, for being ignorant. These are the facts, but when I say them, the act of saying them makes me feel hateful and hurtful. That is what I am making it mean, but I have a choice not to be ignorant, I have a choice to make it mean something else. I chose to make it mean, I am merely stating the facts, I do not have to "feel" what they mean because they are not my facts, they are hers. 

REALIZATION!

Courtesy of Club Penguin

So I forgive you for being who you were, and though I am sad that you did not chose to be better than who you were, I am happy that I am not who you were. I am making room in my life to not hate you, to not pity you, to not have you in my life; you are a bell that's resonance is being drowned out by the space in my life I have opened to being loved, to being whole, to being me. You may no longer be permitted in that space; you are unnecessary for me to love and be loved.

Courtesy of EnlightenYourself101

The difference between this definition of forgiveness and the first one posted above, is emotion. "When we no longer hold those emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them."

I really did ring the bell on this one. I need to re read my declaration to my grandmother and apply it to all things I am holding on to that I need to forgive; the words are my own, I realized them, and they are universal. And you watched the process, this is how I did it; I just laid it out as it came, truly, authentically, unadulteratedly so.

Courtesy of Martha's Kitchen  Corner

One step at a time. Nothing is final. Nothing is written in stone unless I am the author who carves it. And even then, I am the author, I can wield the sledgehammer that smashes the stone at any time. I  acknowledge that I am not the creator of the stone, but I am the author of any uses of the stone in my life. I am a stone mason.

Okay, once again, cue theme from Twilight Zone! Stone Mason?! Really?! The foundation, the Masons, the Holy Grail, the lineage of Christ, Stone Henge! 

Sacred Destintations

OMG OMG OMG, que "du du duuuunnnn" music that happens right after the big moment on film: The title of this post, "The Gap Between Thoughts", was written before I added "I am a stone Mason", but now I realize how poignant that was. The gap between stones is filled with mortar, the stuff that allows a structure to either last or crumble through time and environment. The gap between thoughts is not filled with silence and thoughtlessness, it is filled with the stuff that allows the mind to either last or crumble through time and environment!