Saturday, July 21, 2012

I am Lakshmi, Growing from the Lotus in the Desert

Courtesy of The Village Family Services
Today was a ritual of letting go of the things that keep me from loving. It was very difficult. I have a hard time letting go. On a simple level it is because it means I've done something wrong. In reality it means that someone doesn't want me. I can't think of incidents that I need to let go; I always think of people I need to let go. I feel wrong for severing from them and I have a difficult time getting perspective on "killing off" people.

Courtesy of GodHungry: When Adults Refuse to Grow Up
I did however realize that I needed to forgive someone for not being a better person, and more than that, for knowing better but not wanting to do better. And I think that is my ultimate beef with everyone that lets me down; they know better but choose to stay where they are or go deeper into where they were. They want some comfortable familiarity where they don't have to think, don't have to decide, don't have to change, don't have to fear, don't have to question. I totally understand that because it is that comfort I have in the people who have hurt me the most.

Courtesy of Trek Earth
The people who have hurt me the most do so by choosing comfort instead of growth, and they hurt me because they leave me alone. Alone to journey, alone to grow, alone to fear the changes, alone to be brave, alone to have the courage. I guess life was not to be that easy for me this time around. Is my lesson in life to be alone? Is my lesson in life to see that I am not alone? Oh, if the latter is true, I am most certainly failing. Because I am alone in body, perhaps in spirit with the exception of God, My Words, Buddha. Perhaps it is a choice to be alone, rather than a circumstance put upon me. After all, isn't "alone" just a meaning I am giving?  I am growing, I am moving, I am waiting, I am wandering, I am flying, I am, So Hum.

Courtesy of LifeArte
Today I want to make a bead with the colors coral gray, and black. I saw a color block dress on a model in a yahoo advertisement. I can't find the picture now, darn it!

Courtesy of VictoriaBC Wedding Tips
It is supposed to be very hot today and tomorrow. I need to water my plants and maybe take pictures of new growth in the garden. Gonna make meatloaf for dinner and a potato salad. Need to get the potato salad done early. The infection in my lip seems better this morning; I'll just keep treating it and not go to the doctor. Need to think of a dessert to make, but do it early before the heat. Still trying to deal with cravings for nicotine.

Homework to do on the website, social media, and bead biz.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!