Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Play to Learn, Learn to Play, be Passionate

I woke with the worst anxiety this morning! My relationships with life seem to be on hold. I have been worried about money and how I'm going to pay bills. I've been putting a lot of energy into my ETSY shop and there's still more I could do; "But why?" my anxiety responds.

I need to finish my research project in 2 months (thankfully that's a month more than I thought I had when I woke up.) I need to apply for a teaching job, the one I've been waiting for; special education resource teacher at the middle school in my town. I'm worried that I don't know how to put in an application that screams, "I'm the one you need!" and then I'm worried about the interview (if I get one.)

I need to make a bead today for which I've already been paid, which I WANT to do, but feel guilty about doing because it is something I want and not something I need...or DO I need it too?

Have I given up on believing I can make a living doing what I love to do? Have I ever really believed it? Have I given up on believing in everything? everyone? Today, my anxiety has chased away my passion; or is it the loss of passion that has given me anxiety?

I've referred in my blog before to a newsletter I receive from Real Growth; today's topic was "Your pathway to passion and profits". It said some nice things I'd like to identify with, but it sent me to a link for "the passion test...an exclusive offer" which was a huge turn off. However, it promised to answer the following questions, and just having the questions is valuable:

"1. How can I figure out my true passions and life purpose (especially if you don't have a clue)?

2. When I know what I'm passionate about, how can I live my passions given my current situation and responsibilities?

3. How can I make a great income following my passions?"

I've blogged before about Danielle LaPorte's White Hot Truth, and her discussion about "bright faith". When I have bright faith I am at my highest expression of passion. I get excited. What do I get excited about?

You can tell I'm passionate in the way I talk about beads or jewelry that I love, mine or others'; about art; about defending someone who cannot defend themself and about teaching them to be their own advocate; about how wrong our world and teachers and administration can be about teaching and how parents, teachers, and students should have advocates; about how I'd like to teach teachers; about what a money maker beverage flavored jelly beands could be, and how "water" flavor would be a big hit! I get excited when I talk about how wonderful my son is.

Lori Greenberg bloggs about things I'm passionate about: life, love, art, color, and passion. In a recent post by her she said that she wanted to make beads without the need to make beads that would sell. She wanted to be creatively free to make whatever her heart told her to. I want to do that too, and am better at it than I want to be...or rather, than I need to be. I've been criticized by someone in the past for not having a "signature"; for being too eclectic and unfocused on a narrower "style". So I believed, and now I know I was believing in the wrong thing.

I hate making sets, and I love making focals, and I love making sculptural beads, and I love playing with color without thinking about how well one goes with another or how one requires to be treated in the flame differently than another. I love just playing. Sometimes we need to play...that IS how we learn about ourselves and our passions.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts!