Day 2 of the 21 day meditation challenge: "The past is over; I live blissfully loving in the present." During my meditation I saw many faces on the backs of my eyelids, all with the same eyes, the eyes of an elephant.
Wow, when I found this picture I saw my father's eyes! I was stunned; I had to look at my dad's picture just to confirm it, and sure enough I was seeing my father's eyes. As you read on, you may understand the significance of that.
Presently, I'm trying to figure out why there is nothing in my present. I feel rather without purpose, as if I am missing something that would bite me on the nose if I could see it. At the same time, perhaps that is what I should appreciate; I'm not supposed to be "doing" anything I've already done. But I'm not ready to be done "doing." I feel stuck in the "feeling" like I "should" be doing something that is expected of me; it is so easy to appease that feeling by applying for jobs. It is much easier to apply for a job, than it is to create something new, to go out on a limb, to consider doing what I want to do, to believe doing what I want to do is all I need to be doing. Self-indulgence is "bad" and it doesn't pay the bills; maybe I should want it to pay the bills and if it did indeed pay the bills, then it wouldn't be "bad".
The beginning of today's meditation was all about living in the past and making a space in our lives, that once open will be filled with love. I thought I knew that already, but I remind myself that I am merely a human being and in order to be better than that (I call it super-human-being) I must practice what I know.
Do we know how much of the past really holds us? Do we
really know all our stories? How did they set the trajectory for our life? Our ability
to love ourselves or others? Does reframing really set us free to make new
choices to improve the future? How do I allow the past to interfere with the
present? Chose the path of joy.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and stumbling onto questions and hits at answers. Trust and abandonment are huge issues for me, much bigger than I really can acknowledge until I can understand why, the event or events that created trust as a pavement for the rest of my life's meanings. Could it be something as simple as my father being in Viet Nam? Could it be something that happened when I was born? I know for sure I felt abandoned when my grandmother was hateful and hurtful and no one would protect me; but did that really do it? Do I really need to understand the incident to reframe the story? Well I thought I had reframed the story, giving a meaning that my protectors did the best they could, that they too were afraid, but that doesn't make the "story" and it's effect on my life, go away; maybe it's not supposed to disappear.
Maybe it is just one in a long line of similar events that result in the same thing; until recently. Recently the issue of abandonment and trust came up again. I responded differently this time. I decided that I was going to have the story end with a meaning about someone else, the "other", and not about me. It has worked pretty good actually. Perhaps that is what I really need to commit to; I need to reframe the meanings related to me by giving them to someone else instead. But then what will I be left with? Who will I be? Ah, there is the real "thing" to either fear or be excited about.
Today I was someone who stepped out of what I "should" do and into what I wanted to do. I attended an online party with Laura Roeder, of The Dash among many other social media and life coaching titles. I'm excited to dedicate much more of my time exploring my business and life in social media. Laura made it easy by offering her new business model, a Social Media Monitoring hub/platform, for ONLY ONE DOLLAR! Here's the link if you are interested in checking it out.
Oh epiphany: the eyes of an elephant, an elephant never forgets the past! Que music, theme from Twilight Zone!
Wow Mona this one really touched a deep spot today, one I usually don't dare address. it appears we may very well be standing near the same spot at the fork in the road so to speak. From beginning to end with a few minor twists.
ReplyDeleteThe eyes of my father(biological) always seem to be near.
Trust and abandonment grandmother was kind, mother was hateful and cruel and failed to protect. @ age 10 found out how badly abuse by cousin can hurt an otherwise beautiful spirit. Path of self destruction age 13-20, most of which were spent in the shadows of the night in our town. The conclusion that maybe they did the best they knew how. But saddened by the fact that total denial and abandoment was the end result. Creativity was my saving grace. Creating beauty was a way of making a somewhat cruel life completely manageable. Getting lost in the proccess of art was and is a wonderful freeing experience.
Feeling stuck and somehow hindered has had it's grip on me as of late. Confusion of the necesary steps to break free are with me constantly these days.
Does doing what I want and what I crave to do pay the bills. No. The job I have at the moment pays the bills but starves and binds the soul. Could doing what I love pay the bills? Yes
My dilema I'm standing on the edge knowing the fear that holds me back is not fear of failure. I Know that failure is a step closer to success. The fear is Self-worth valuing my self enough to allow myself to break free from the mundane. Trust that I am capable of loving myself enough to allow myself to live the life I envision. The fear of Success, The illusion that I will not be able to support my family and create Art. To have the best of both worlds.
A reoccuring dream of mine that I free fall off that cliff and am completely emersed in art and blissful. So far I have envisioned myself telling my employer that I can no longer build their dream and ignore the screams of mine. (yes I can feel them my Dreams) screaming at me) o_O I have walked through that door on 4 different occasions with the solid intent of putng in my notice only to be weakened by the percieved need of others.
I can totally relate to the queing of the Twilight theme song
Dear RC, if you are who I think you are, what I've suspected about you for a while now is totally confirmed. We stand next to each other SO MUCH, it is eerie (even wondered a time or two if you were stalking me, LOL!)
ReplyDeleteYour comment is totally awesome and credible and aligned! For me it was my grandmother who abused and my mother who was nice. I have come to the realization, or rather remembering thanks to your comment, that what I am afraid of is disappointing my parents by not being what their (perceived!) expectations of me are; my second realization is that I am not afraid of failure, but rather of success. You mentioned being "deserving"; all my life my script was that I was not deserving. Sometimes when we are stopped by huge steps, we can proceed in smaller ones. For you it may be creating time to be creative, and being successful at it, defining success in your own terms. For me, it is pretending I have all the time in the world, remembering I am blessed to always have what I need when I need it by the grace of Gaia and God and Buddha, and the spirit of my father; I signed up for $1 for a social media marketing tool, and I'm going to use the hell out of it for the month it cost me that $1. Then I'm going to take Dr. Phil's advice and do more than dream but I will have a planned and measurable goal
We can do it friend, yes we can can!
Yes that's me. I know that undeserving script well. It was implanted at a very very young age by people I looked up to and loved, which made it all the more believable. I use a lot of breath work and small steps to reach the bigger vision.
ReplyDeleteon the time issue. I use the following affirmation.
"I have all the time I need to accomplish all things that I need to accomplish today and always"
My blog has been sitting in maintenance mode for almost 3 months now. I walked into work and told my boss he needs to pull me off the schedule all but the 3 days he hired me to work or pull me off the schedule all together until Sept. He agreed so I have created that space to allow my self time to be creative.
I saw the link you shared on the social media marketing tool and will definitely look into that!
You are absolutely right we not only can do it! WE WIll!
Thanks for the inspiration!